- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
- June 6, 2017 at 8:08 pm#43082AnonymousInactive
I was not sure which forum to post this so I hope its the right place. I’ve not been on here for a while changing my life completely after doing 6 months in residential rehab for alcoholism and bulimia. I went in there with a 15 year habit of taking handfuls of laxatives, throwing up all my food, taking drugs and drinking daily. I have come out of rehab completely free from laxatives and drugs and have never felt better.
Its been 4 months since I left, I moved cities, moved in with my boyfriend, changed my life completely. Its been amazing and I really felt happy for the first time. Then the doubts set in, the negative thinking, the self-hatred. I’ve started thinking about drinking a lot (though wouldn’t do it as my boyfriend said he would leave me if I did – he is a recovering addict also). Now I know I should be doing this all for ME because I am worth it etc etc but I’m not, he is the thing that’s keeping me going really as I love him so much . I know this is wrong and I’m scared because I also know that unless you are doing recovery for yourself, it has less of a chance of lasting in the long term.
I’ve started using food as an escape route and throwing up a few times a week. My self-esteem is getting worse, my preoccupation with food and my self-hatred has increased etc etc and I know I’m slipping. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared to tell my boyfriend how I really feel because I don’t want him to think he’s not making me happy. I also don’t want to tell him I’ve been throwing up because its gross and he’ll know I’ve been doing it behind his back. But then I think, all these secrets are going to ruin everything.
I’ve tried AA and NA and never got on well with it but I’m beginning to think that maybe doing the steps and just giving it some time is the only way I’m going to really be happy, get to know the real me and not keep going back to this old negative behaviour. I might be sober but I don’t feel in recovery really, I feel like I’m isolating myself with my negative thoughts and sometimes I don’t see the point in living, which I know is another sign of depression. I can’t drink I know this, I don’t want to throw up but its the only way I can calm my head down when it starts racing and I think its the only thing stopping me from picking up a drink at the moment.
Bah anyway, as they say, any experience strength and hope is extremely welcome. Thanks for reading. M xx
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