Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Alcohol Abuse 12 Years, Finally Really Looking At My Alcoholism

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    Anonymous
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    I got “sober” 12 years ago, if you can really call it that.

    And yes, I have relapsed time and again. And yes, I believed each time it would be “no problem.”

    I never thought about any consequences of drinking again. Because I’m “just a binge-drinker.” The only consequence of binge drinking is I drink way too much and lose control for just one night, that’s all. There are no long-term consequences for binge drinkers.

    I don’t have REAL alcoholism, dontcha’ know? I was able to quit JUST LIKE THAT when I found out I was alcoholic. I can go YEARS without drinking. I have NO problem. It’s all those drunks that have the problem!

    Look at me man, I’m so functional with my college degree and my kickass job and my great house, look at me! I’ve come so far in my life, farther than I ever dreamed. I’m NOT an alcoholic damn you, it’s My DAD and My BROTHERS and My SISTER–THEY’RE THE ALCOHOLICS! They’re the ones in denial. I am properly medicated for all my mental problems, and THEY AREN’T. Poor pitiful siblings of mine who refuse to see a psych and refuse to get a program like me.

    Holier than Thou. I make myself sick.

    I relapsed again in 2007.

    It seems to happen every 3 years or so. Who knows how long they last?

    In ’07 I met up with a very old friend of mine who has ALWAYS been a serious partier, and I wanted to have a good time with him. I had been bored out of my skull for years. I PURPOSELY, and KNOWINGLY stopped at the liquor store on the way to meet him at the beach, and bought a 12-pack and a pack of smokes. (I even had 5 months no cigarettes after 25 years of smoking). I said to myself:

    “Just this once. I’m gonna just drink a few of these and smoke this one pack and that’ll be it.”

    Whatever. Who knows how long it went on after that.

    After a few weeks of partying with him and having a great time, I got sober again and took one look at him and realized how much of a mess he was!

    FOR 20 YEARS: He worked for himself 4-6 hours a day, cutting out at noon and gambling and drinking the rest of the day. Then he’d go home to his drunk girlfriend who’d have dinner on the table waiting for him. Smoke some crack, lay on the sofa and watch cartoons. Get up the next day and start all over again. They’d drink and party all weekend.

    Why hadn’t I noticed before he had a bunch of front teeth missing, smelling to high heaven, long greasy hair, belligerent, overbearing, and oblivious to himself?

    I JUST HAD TO HELP HIM BECAUSE LOOK HOW PITIFUL HE IS AND LOOK WHAT HE’S DONE TO HIMSELF!

    What a fiasco the last two years of my life have been. At least I didn’t kill myself.

    In just the past week I’ve realized that EVERY damn time I relapse, I get involved with a man and somehow, wind up living together.

    Six months into most relationships, after the smoke has cleared, I realize I’m back in a relationship again, shaking my head and wondering, “How the hell did I get back here?!?!” I didn’t even want to live with this person! And frankly, had I been sober, I probably would not have chosen them as a partner if I had actually just THOUGHT about it!

    And I have NEVER in my 42 years even seriously wanted to get married or have children! I have KNOWN this and SWORN this to myself since I was SEVEN YEARS OLD!

    But I have been in eight major relationships in 25 years! I have done this EIGHT times and stayed in each of those relationships 2 to 3 years each.

    EVERY time, I get so emotionally attached to and emotionally dependent on the other person, that I can’t function when he does even one little thing that scares me. If the other person does something that I interpret as “He doesn’t love me” or “He doesn’t care about me,” I turn into a PIT BULL and start screaming and yelling until I feel like my head is going to explode. I will literally follow the person around the house for hours screaming and yelling and spitting, literally foaming at the mouth. The only way I can get myself out of it is by smoking. And this is all Stone Cold SOBER.

    Good god this is so embarrassing. I’m honestly like a person possessed.

    Each relationship a result of a drunken one-night stand. Each relationship some kind of weird attachment to people I hardly even like but that I cannot release without the most severe pain and agony. Each relationship a complete fiasco.

    Can somebody please tell me, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

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