- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
- March 12, 2016 at 12:00 pm#38800AnonymousInactive
I am glad to have found a place to talk about this because even though I have good friends and good family, it is really hard to be open about what I’m going through.
I am 25 years old and since I was in highschool me and my friends experimented with drugs. Despite this, I got through college and am doing good career wise and from from the outside eye everything is fine. When I was 22 or so me and my friends started taking vicodin and then a year ago or so we discovered Oxycontin and things have spiraled out of control so badly… Everyone one of my friends, including myself, who began using it recreationally is now dependent on it and we take it almost everyday. We make pacts to quit and take breaks and we rarely go a day without it. I went on a 2 week vacation and got clean and got through the withdrawal, but no matter what I have this horrible mental craving for it that I am scared will never ever go away.
The feeling is like— in my mind I believe oxycontin is an amazing substance. I snort a little bit and I can go from having a bad day to a great day, from feeling tired and cranky to energetic and fun and talkative and a better worker, a better member of my family, a better friend. I am great on it, but when it is not there I can barely function. It costs me tons of money, and it is horrible watching all my friends in denial about the addiction. I am scared it is ruining my life and my friends lives and none of us will come to terms to do rehab or anything because we cant let our parents know and people around us.
I am scared because everytime I quit, eventually I give in to the cravings no matter how irrational it is. I get these intense urges to take it, even once the withdrawals are gone. My friends being addicts too doesnt’ help, but they are my best friends and I cant just leave them in the dirt.
I guess I just wanted to share this story and see if anyone can relate. Once you feel the pleasure of oxycontin, it is depressing for me to imagine life without ever tasting it again but I know everytime I do it I relapse into addiction and my health, wealth, and life go down the tubes. The one time I went 2-3 weeks off of it I had trouble coping with stress without my drug and I gave in and relapsed for another 2-3 months and now I’ve gone 4 days without it but just ordered one and am scared it will lead to more months of addiction. There is no greater feeling than giving in when you are trying to quit and relapsing so you go from the agony of withdrawal to heaven. Relapsing is such a guilty pleasure. I have constant nightmares about losing control and feel plagued with it and worry I wont be able to quit.
Thank you all for listening to my story, if anyone has similar stories or feelings I’d liek to hear about them, or if anyone knows if the mental craving for the drug will ever go away even once the substance is physically out of my system and the physical withdrawals subside. I feel like my subconcious is urging me to get it and use it and it overpowers my sensibility and conscious mind. Unlike drugs like meth, crack, ecstasy, and pcp, opiates are a slow, rather than quick, death of your soul and body. I can always justify one more opiate does because I know it isnt killing me or harming my body that much, but what it is doing is feeding a horrible addiction thats robbing me of my freedom, money, and soul. Also, our non-using friends look down on us and are slowly becoming alienated from us since we would often rather go do some OC than go party and do normal stuff.
For reference, I usually crush and snort or eat, and my usage can be as low as 20mg a day on my “weening days” to as high as 120mg/day on a complete binge day. My average dose is 50-60mg. My withdrawal symptoms arent super severe, but I get depression, tiredness, irritability, joint/bone pain, and watery eyes and chronic yawning, and most of all intense craving to get some.
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