Yesterday was my 30 days, and today is the first day I’ve had very real desire to use. When I detox I always feel so bad physically and mentally that the thought of using is nonexistent, because I always know if I use it will just be dragged out longer. So the thought of using is beyond repulsive. I guess what I’m saying is now that I am starting to feel good again, my mind is free to wander. It’s ridiculous, it makes no sense, but I’ve experienced this before, the second I feel good again I go right back out, I guess I forget really quickly the reasons I want to be clean for in the first place.

Just a minute ago before getting on here I was doing all the scheming in my mind. That constant plotting.. okay who can I call that has something, what will my excuse/lie be for money disappearing, when is a good time when no one will notice I’m gone for a while. It’s crazy, it feels so compulsive, and I don’t even notice I’m doing it until I’ve already got a “perfect plan” made. The worst part is I’m taking the thought of “perhaps I can control it this time” as a reasonable thought. I know better than that. Yet I still have these thoughts.

What are some tricks or tools you guys use in situations to just block the b/s out of your mind. I’m not the type that reaches out to people in real life, so I just sit alone with these thoughts until I give into them, but this approach hasn’t quite worked for me in the past.. I think it’s time to try something new. I know meetings are a good support, but I won’t be able to make it to one until tomorrow, (Does that sound like an excuse?) probably is. But I found some work on a farm outside of town, just a little work here and there, and calling and saying I can’t show would defeat the purpose of being clean, I’d still be seen as unreliable and slacking, or just plain up to no good.

Make sense of this someone please. I can’t deal with today on my own.