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    I am a chronic recovery/relapse person myself. My first time on the boards was in August and I made it something like 9 days. Since then I’ve only been reading here. I know I want the sobriety. I want the confident abundant full of life feelings that I had when I was sober for a couple years before. I’m sure I know why I go back to using and it seems that no matter how hard I try – I revert back to my addict personality and I start all over again – because I can handle just one more (more of my addict mind). No one knows about my relapses since my treatment days years ago (Not getting honest – I know) and I just cannot get myself to put them through that again so I’ve had the ‘flu’ alot this year. I am a good person. I know there is much to offer inside – but when I’m using there is only a shell because there is no opportunity to feel a thing (good or bad). Back when I started the boards here I wanted to be clean by the first of the year and if I wouldve stuck with it.. I would be feeling pretty darn well today (maybe) – I wouldve been feeling better than I am today. I’m on day three again. Had a cruddy Christmas but I can’t say that this time of year is my favorite anyway. I want to be a better mom to my kids. They deserve better. I deserve to be everything I can be. Not just someone who resigns to be a user for the rest of her life. Right? Here we go again.

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