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    Today I have 6 months clean and sober. 6 months ago I was desperate, helpless wondering how will I ever get out of this trap. I didnot even think there was a way out for me. I even started questioning my sanity thinking perhaps Im schizophrenic like my mother. This summer I added Ritalin to my drug combination and the only thing before missing my pity-party was paranoia. Now the madness circle was complete.

    I started that summer 4 months clean from a 25+ pill habit. I didnot know anything about PAWS. I guess I was still not done with drugs. My doctor prescriped Ritalin and I instanlty abused it. I started snorting it but never increasing the dose lol. I thought I was being smart. My body didnot stand uppers but I didnot wnat to go back to opiates .So I kept trying to force myself to stand it. My doctor begged me to quit the Ritalin but I lost soo much weight that I thought I need it for this or that…Also I could use without anyone noticing unlike the nodding effects of Opiates. I get to the point where my anxiety was out of control. I had to take valium to come down from Ritalin. I started having real bad panic attacks thinking Im dying. My doctor begged me to get off Ritalin but I was too scared to quit it. I was too scared to go back to opiates and was even more scared to stay clean. I started subsituting drugs again this time drinking . Then one day, I was in wds and i wanted to get pills.An NA friend of mine said he’ll drive me to get some pills.Instead he kept driving in circles till my cravings were over. I managed to stay a month clean but I was still drinking heavily. After going to meetings monthly while still drinking I decided to quit. The first 30 days were horrible. I had bad wds.I would cry for no reason feeling like fainting.I was so depressed that I literarly could not do anything. I had the worst mood swings ever. But I kept going to meetings and counting clean days.I spent nearly my whole day with my sponsor. I remember one day when I was 35 days clean, I was having bad craving. I was lying down on my bed crying my eyes out till I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I remember raising my hands up and saying I surrender. I was feeling very bad but going back to my DOC was even more painful. That day I really got step1.I understood what they mean when they say using becomes more painful. I tried subsituting different drugs and the result was more chaous, pain and bad consequences. I was paranoid .I thought Im gonna die if I use I one more time. So I kept walking through my fear and pain but clean. After 4 months , my cravings get less, and my mind clearer.I started seeing a therapist which helped me a lot. She wanted to give me anti-anxiety med for my panic attacks and mood swings but I refused. A friend of mine in recovery kept telling me they will go away with time. Just dont use. Indeed they started getting less and I decided to slide with the rollercoaster. I read more about PAWS.Now I knew what they are and they will go away. So I hanged in, calling my spsonor daily, working on the steps. I did nothing but working the program for the first 90 days. I had relationship issues, trust issues..I knew I couldnot stay clean around people. So I took a break from the world and focused on me. I put myself before my family, friends , work.. because if Im’m not good to myself then Im not good to anyone.

    At 5 monts clean things started getting real good. I cut sugar and my mood swings disappeared. Im still working on my steps, still calling my sponsor daily and going to meetings daily.

    What have I learned from my last relapse? That I can subsitute any kinds of drugs but that will never make me feel better. Wherever I go I take me with me. Drugs were only a symptom of my dysfunctional life. Drugs were never the problem. They were my answer to life. I also learned about being humble in recovery. That friend of mine who helped me relapsed and went back to rehab. I still remember his words : “Im ur HP now” since he’s clean lol .ofcourse he was jokking but he thought he was cured. We are never cured ,craving never go away, we jsut find ways to deal with them without uisng. Problems never go away, we just find to deal with them too without using.Life is still hard as Im still learning how to deal with people again.Im learning how to build healthy relationships with myself first then with people. Im learning how to look inside for strength and rely on an HP that will never fail me. I have gained so many friends I lost before to drugs. I gained the trust of my family again. But mostly, I gained the trust of myself . I have hope now. I know that when things are real bad, all I need to do is be patient because things always get better as long as Im clean. I would have never thought it’s possible for me to be clean and happy.They were two seperate things in my mind. Thank you 12 Step National Meetings.

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