Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Alcohol Abuse AH not using. Has no program. Is there hope?

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  • #27733
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Or should I just get it over with and file for a divorce? I already know no one is going to be able to tell me what to do. I have been attending alanon on a regular basis, he attends maybe one AA meeting a week. He’s so full of self hatred/loathing. He’s isolated himself from his children, me and the world around him. He’s negative about almost everything, moody as hell and IMHO very depressed. When he was in rehab it was like meeting a new man. He participated, let some of his walls down and there was hope in his eyes and heart. I never saw him like that and I was so happy and greatful. When he first got out of rehab he attending meetings daily and began looking for employment. He got a job at a pizza/pasta place. Then, a man he worked with when he was working at the news paper (both were fired from that paper for different reasons) called and asked if he’d like to free-lance for the news paper he was at covering a local minor league baseball team. He was thrilled, this is his passion. When he asked his full time employer to give him 10 days off a month on the next schedule, it was a adament no. He didn’t like his employees moonlighting. So, he thought of only himself and what he wanted and quit a 40hr a week job for a job that paid $30 a story, max of 3 articles a week. The thought never crossed his mind that he had child support obligations as well as house hold expenses. I make fairly good money as a nurse so I suppose he thought I’d pay for his child support until he landed the perfect job, the one he wanted. I told him I would not pay his child support. He eventually ended up in jail for this. Got out and found a job waiting tables. Hates it and lets me know every chance he gets. He works a lot as he is so behind in child support. His life consists of working, sleeping and spending time on the internet (fantasy baseball, football… what ever). We see a marriage therapist in Sept. Living with him is pure hell. Never knowing what to say or how he’ll react, what mood he’ll be in etc. I really just want to pack up and go far far away. That of course is not an option for me. Will it ever end??:bigcry

    #107099
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Blizzard

    Hi, and welcome! I’m sorry you are going through this tough time, but, as you stated right out front, we cannot answer the question for you, as to whether or not there is hope or whether or not you should stay or go.

    BUT, you DID write “Living with him is pure hell”.

    Now, as you know, nothing changes if nothing changes. And you cannot change HIM.

    So that pretty much leaves inner changes within yourself as well as logistical changes in the structure of your day to day life. These are within your control (well, more or less) that can be made with the help of others. I’m happy to see you reaching out. We are here for you!

    My own ES & H: I have been where you are, and today I am happily single. I would not trade my current sobriety and peace of mind for one shred of false nobility or integrity that staying too long in a miserable toxic marriage allowed me to feel. I made changes in me first (getting sober myself WITH a program, and working on myself) and these changes led, one step at a time to the happy life..”joyous and free” that is my birthright.

    You were born to live happy, joyous and free also.

    I vote you keep working your Alanon program, offer the situation up to your Highest Power for the solution and keep posting and sharing for more feedback. Don’t worry over making a mistake. You will be led.
    It will get better!

    (((Hugs)))
    MC

    #107100
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks miss c, for responding. Although, I am working a program and trying so hard to change, I feel as though I make mistakes all the time. I love him, I’m proud of him for maintaing of life absent of alcohol/drugs as I know this in and of itself is hard to do and an accomplishment. Problem is, I have a had time communicating this to him. When I try to communicate my feelings, my wants and needs it is met with anger and resentment. ” I need to relax, I can’t handle this right now”. I feel, insignificant to him. Which in turn makes me unable to see and express my feelings being proud of him, that at least he’s not drinking. I push too hard, I think. Expectinghim to be a different man just because he’s not drinking. He completely withdraws from me and everyone else that loves and cares for him. Patience is a virtue I lack. Focusing on me is so difficult and yet it should’nt be. I push myself to attend meetings, I push myself to focus on myself to the point I become so frustrated with my seemingly lack of progress. What is wrong with me? Why is it easier to focus on him. The past 3 weekends (he works doubles) I’ve spent alone crying most of the day away. I do make sure that I do read a chapter of the Big Book a day even in these emotional states. I make sure I check out 12 Step National Meetings daily. I try to do something good for myself and since money is tight. It usually ends up being something like a relaxing bubble bath or a better connection to my Higher Power, but my hope comes and goes for myself and my sanity. I’m existing, not living and that’s a hard way to live. Thanks for listening.

    #107094
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think Blizzard that you can help yourself in this decision by making a “Pro and Con” list. Take a big sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle of it and one side becomes the “Pro” side and one side becomes the “Con” side. Then over the next few days or weeks as you think of things put them on the appropriate side.

    When you can no longer think of the good and the bad you will have a better idea of where you are at, and if you can compromise about the “Con” things to continue to enjoy the “Pro” items.

    Just thought this might help you in your search for what is best for YOU.

    Love and (((((to all))))),

    #107092
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Blizzard,

    In answer to your question – yes, he can make it without a program, if he chooses to. If he has the motivation to move along in recovery then he will be able to do that. I understand your frustration and that it comes from expectations that you have. Stopping drinking is only the beginning and it takes a lot of work on the road of recovery. My suggestion is to stop having expectations about what will happen with your husband and focus on yourself. Is it possible that you are depressed and have you ever talked to a dr about that?

    #107101
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anna,
    I see a psycharist and am on antianxiey medication as needed and an antidepressant. My first husband died at age 26 from cancer so I’ve been on different medications since 1998.
    My heart bleeds for him, he’s trying so hard to get out of this financial hole he has gotten himself into and it only gets worse for him. He works doubles when-ever he can which is usually 5 out of 7 days a week. He never has a day off. His car is in my name but I’ve stopped paying the payment. He’s a month behind in that, owes a $250 fine for not getting his car inspected by next week. If he loses the car he loses the job. He will end up in jail again. He came home from work today in between shifts and said ” I’m done, I’m so f’d and all I can do is keep going to work, knowing in the end..jail is where I’m headed”. He’s not exaggerating this point, he’s been in jail for 5 days already for his child support issues and when he looses the car which to me seems inevitable he has no way to work. All of his bad choices and decisions he made while drinking and when not drinking have caught up to him and I see him trying to claw his way out of this hole he’s gotten himself in and it only gets worse.
    His mom who is an A, but who is also a lawyer with her own law firm will not help him out. He’s called, she don’t answer. Yet he has a half sister who is 26 unemployed, drives around in a lexus, college paid for…but he and his brother (from her first marriage) were both kicked out of her house by the time they were 15yrs old. She never taught responsibility and self respect..she taught them how to drink when their happy, drink when they’re sad just drink, drink, drink. Oh, but she’s not an alcoholic, “she didn’t cause it , she can’t cure it and she can’t control it.”
    Well , ya know what IMHO she did cause it or has a part in it. When she found out he was in rehab she never called him once. When he asked her not to drink around his children she got pissed. This is a woman who had a party the day AH returned form his first 30day rehab stint, it was planned in advance. He was told by her ” just because you have a problem and can’t drink, don’t mean we’re not going to drink, you’ll have to find a way to deal with it.” He did drink that night, after all the adults passed out. Next day his step father beat the **** out of him and that was the last day he lived under his mother’s roof.
    It’s so difficult for me to just not care. I want to pay his car payment, I want to help him with his fine so he can get back on his feet.
    I hate this woman so much, I really do. The destruction she has caused my husband and his brother is horrible, yet she lives the good life. No remorse, no regrets, no nothing.
    It’s like since he quit drinking he’s out of the “family”. When he was drinking she would help him out here and there with money but now she won’t even answer the phone when he calls. His father abandoned him years ago after his parents divorced, remarried and has a “new family” that doesn’t include him or his brother. They’ve tried to reach out to him, but in his eyes they’re just like his mother and nothing but a disappointment. He was invited to his graduation from college and never showed. No card, no congrats nothing. He is the only one of his children ( I include his new children as they are who his considers to be his children) that graduated from college.
    I know he is not my responsibility. I know he’s suffering the consequences of his actions and poor decisions, but hell I’m human too. I hurt for that little boy who starved attention and never got it, the little boy who sat around the table with the adults and passed the joint (pictures of this), the boy who longed for his father to be in his life, but rejected him time and time again.
    It’s killing me to see him not drinking but his problems get worse and worse every day. I hate to say it but I see his situation hopeless at this point. Is it ok to hurt for him? What can I do to help other than bail him out financially? Do I just sit here and watch him go down? Help.:bigcry

    #107093
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You said, “It’s like since he quit drinking he’s out of the “family”.” From what you say about his family, you are both very blessed that he is out of the family. Having expectations about ‘family’ is something that can cause you a lot of distress. I would suggest you stop wasting energy on his family and what they’re not doing for him.

    It is sad that your husband is suffering the consequences he is right now. You say he is working a lot and working double-shifts and I wonder why he isn’t able to keep up the car payments and why he feels like he’s not slowly getting ahead?

    I don’t know if you should make the car payments and save him from losing the car. How long has he been sober and why do you think things in his life are not changing in a positive way?

    #107098
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dont’ make the payments. I had a similar situation and lost my car. If it had been one more day I would have kept it(I lost it the last day of the year, I would have had the money on Jan. 2nd).

    Now I am having to save up for a new used car. I have to take the bus to school. I hate the bus. But you know what, I learned a lot of lessons about where my priorities were by losing that car. It was one of the things that hit me over the head and nudged my addiction out in the open for me to see and acknowledge.

    #107102
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    He wait’s tables at an upscale resturant, how much he makes depends on tips. It’s slow right now, but they assure him it’s going to pick up soon. It’s the first job he was offered and had to take it. Again, child support issues. He’s looked for other part time jobs so far he can’t make it fit into his schedule. He wants to keep working doubles because he’s being told by other waiter’s that when it picks up he will make up to $100-$150 a night in tips, especially during the holidays which are right around the corner. So, now he averages $30 a night in tips, gets paid $2.12 hourly and the majority of this goes to child support. He’s quit smoking because he can’t afford cigarettes (good thing). Other than that he has just enough money to put gas in his car to get back and fourth to work. He’s slowly getting ahead in child support obligations but nothing else. He’s looking for other work all the time when he’s not at work, but nothing has come up so far.
    He’s been sober for 6 months. He was attending at least three AA meetings a week but since he’s working a lot he attends one a week. He has severe emotional problems but won’t work on them. Most relate to childhood and he says he can’t go back there right now. He feels like he’ll die if he does, is what he says. We do have an appointmet with a therapist Sept 12 and he’s more than willing to go.
    As far as his family is concerned, I’ve made it clear that they are no longer welcome in my home under any circumstances. He still talks to his sister now and then but it’s always about her and what she’s doing. I don’t know why he chooses to speak with these sick, vile people but he does. BTW, they hate me. Always have. They think I try to take him away from them, now that he’s not drinking they really hate me. I could give a **** less. I never did care what they thought about me but I knew it made them uncomfortable because I didn’t drink. Thought I was “weird” like I was some sort of threat to them. My parents are deseased, my brothers who live out of state never call me unless they want something. We are all eachother has at this time in our lives. I enabled when he drank. I stopped enabling now that he’s sober. I don’t know if helping him with the car payment is enabling or not. I’m torn between trying to do what is best for me and trying to figure out if helping him get on his feet ( when sober) is truely helping or rescuing him. I’m tired and emotionally drained. I’m not worried that he’s going to start drinking again because I know I can’t control what he does. If he does he knows my boundray, which is to file for divorce. That is non-negotiable for me. I did agree to support him through his sobriety but not financially. I stuck to that boundray by not bailing him out of jail when he was arrested. In fact I had no contact with him while he was in jail. I did however pay $300 as opposed to $1260 when the judge reduced the payment. Otherwise, he was going to have to stay in jail up to 120days. That made no sense to me. How can you pay your child support if you’re sitting in jail? But that’s the law. He got a job with-in 5 days of geting out of jail and promises me he will pay me back as soon as he can. I believe he will. Oh, well just another day in the chaos I try so hard to avoid.

    #107105
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I would say give this to your HP for now. I can see how losing the car might
    teach him a lesson….. but he would ultimately go to jail because of child support issues. 6 months sober is really an accomplishment for him, and if
    you feel your HP telling you to do so, you may want to make the car payment
    for him for a couple months (if you’re financially able). Set a 2-month limit if needed.) It sounds like he is trying, and maybe the appts. ya’ll have in Sept. will help with his attitude. Recovery is a journey, and it will take you time to heal from the scars left behind. I wish you the best in whichever way your
    HP leads you to handle this.
    Hugs and Prayers to you,
    :Val004:

    #107095
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    rayofsunshine wrote:
    I would say give this to your HP for now. I can see how losing the car might
    teach him a lesson….. but he would ultimately go to jail because of child support issues. 6 months sober is really an accomplishment for him, and if
    you feel your HP telling you to do so, you may want to make the car payment
    for him for a couple months (if you’re financially able). Set a 2-month limit if needed.) It sounds like he is trying, and maybe the appts. ya’ll have in Sept. will help with his attitude. Recovery is a journey, and it will take you time to heal from the scars left behind. I wish you the best in whichever way your
    HP leads you to handle this.
    Hugs and Prayers to you,
    :Val004:

    I was leaning towards this,too…. “Loan” him this $ for this month only….take it from there? It does sound as if he sincerely is trying.

    Praying about it is the best idea………let go and let God surprise you or lead you.

    Prayers and hugs for both of you

    #107103
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    :c016: Thanks rayofsunshine & pick-a name,
    I am going to do as ya’ll suggested and give this up to my Higher Power. I just have to have faith that the right answer will come to me. If I was attempting to figure this out going on self will the decision would have already been made. I have to ask for the help to get out of Gods way and let him provide me with the solution to this problem.

    #107096
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    just a quick clarification?

    Is the car loan in your name or his?

    I understand if the loan is in his name – not making payments but if you have the car loan – then don’t shoot yourself in the foot financially…

    you can always sell the car if you can’t afford it..

    #107104
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Minx,
    The car loan is in my name. I have decided to pay this months payment with a promisary note that he pay me back with in three months. I know it would be shooting myself in the foot not to pay it. I have excellet credit and have worked very hard to keep it that way. I’ll keep paying it but he don’t have to know that, does he? If he don’t pay it next month..I’ll deal with it then. Worrying won’t change anything, neither will threats of this or that. One day at a time.
    thanks for caring!!

    #107097
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Blizzard –

    That seems like an excellent way to deal with it..

    good recovery!

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