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    Almost f*cking relapsed today. Was at my cousin’s house and went to the bathroom and being the good little addict I am, checked his med cabinet and noticed a bunch of prescription bottles. One of which was a large bottle of hydrocodone dated 6 months ago, so obviously left over and he wouldn’t have noticed if they were gone. (my addiction was to painkillers).

    I went through rehab, I still go to NA meetings, and I’ve been as dedicated I can to recovery and becoming a more spiritual person – and it took EVERY ounce of will power in me, everything I learned in rehab, and everything I’ve gained in this journey of recovery, to not take that bottle and spend the next couple days in a drug induced euphoria. I literally stayed in that bathroom for 10 minutes debating it, and several times I was convinced I was going to do it.

    It is absolutely crazy how insidious this disease is. It scares the sh*t out of me, because I’m not sure there will ever be a day that I don’t react to drugs in that way. I can only control how I deal with that initial reaction. I’ve invested so much damn time and effort into recovery, and have built up some solid clean time, and my addict brain was willing to throw it all away just like that, just for a temporary high.

    Sitting here now I am happy I was tested like this and I’ve never been prouder of myself. I could’ve taken the pills and nobody would’ve known. I could’ve lied to everyone and kept my clean date. But I did it for myself, and for those that love me and have supported me. My recovery work payed off, for TODAY. I believe these are make or break moments and they only strengthen us.

    Hope this can help someone – if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, just run the other way. It’s not f*cking worth it.

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