- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm#34157AnonymousInactive
HI people, and thanks to all you who replied to my previous posts 🙂 i havent been on here for a while and havent had chance to say thanks 4 ur advice yet…
I just wondered what u all think of this? Im 25 and been drinking since i was 16,….always been very very shy and introverted, and bad anxiety problems and not very good at socialising etc so feeling very empty and alone lately…like something is missing from my life….i quit drinking 5 months ago….but i just want to know if people think i am really bad enough to be classed as someone witr an alcohol problem and to be able to be suffering from symptoms such as PAWS, because the first 3 months i was sober i felt GREAT….but the past 2 i feel i have bad mood swings,,one day i am fine and motivated and positive and the next, like today i feel down with no energy and moody,….(ive always been kinda a moody person anyway so is it justt he real me coming back or could it be my body adjusting to being sober??)…..and i keep having epiisodes where i feel soooo low and i think i could call it depressed….like just now, i lay on my bed for about half an hour, just feeling weird, and what i would call depressed…..and then suddenly 5 mins ago i snapped out of it…..weird…..i dont know if this is just me or because of the alcohol?
I feel terrible guilt about everything all the time, things that are stupid, but ive always been like that i think….also ive never had any confidence ever. i just want to know does anyone think this is normal for me to be goin through? is this what the rest of my life will be like sober or could it really be “PAWS” or my body and mind recovering and itll improve as time goes by? i feel like ive messed up my life…im a horrible!!!! person when drunk and ive made so many people hate me the past decade and now all of a sudden it feels kind of like ive “woken up” (its hard to explain)….kind of like the past decade has been a dream in a way….and im left with no friends really because ive not othered with people and hurt people while being drunk and i didnt think i needed friends…and i feel like i havent got any social skills now and ive just totally messed up…..i have wasted so much of my young life on drinking and negative things and being a person who i really am not. i feel so far behnd eveyone else of my age………i dont know what i should e doing, where i shouldbe etc…..i feel alt younger than my actual age and i feel isolated because all people my age have moved on etc..like i say, it literally feels like ive just woken up and everythings changed?? everones grown up and im right at the beginning……
And lately, all i am thinking about is that i dont want anyone to die eg my family….!!!!! that is the biggest thing in my head at the min………..i know that ot happens to everyone etc etc and i am trying so hard with positive thinking and have gotten into buddhism a bit and have tried to come to terms with the reality of death etc, but te pain i feel when it comes in my head is unearable…..i cant explain it….
i started a new job as a preschool assistant and i feel like its a rubbiss job and i should be much gher up and im useless etc etc….but i have always been the type of person to say id rather do a job i love and get paid less than do something like sales and hate it……but its like i feel like im never good enough, ever!! nothing i do ever feels good enough…….i broke down crying the other day to my mum and had a go at her which i feel REALLY guilty about cos shes the best mum and i didnt mean to take anything out on her but i started saying things like she makes me feel like im nothing cos shed rather sit on the phone and talk to someone else than have a conversation wit me….i told her i hate myself….i feel like no one likes me,
i have tried sooooo hard the past 5 years to change my negative beliefs blah blah and i have imprived SO much compared to what i used to be like, but lately i just feel negative and like i have a victim attitude again and it annoys me….i annoy myself…..i know how annoying negative people are and i really dont wana be like this…i am on a proper rollercoaster, thats the best way to describe it 😉 haha……i wanna know how to loosen up and relax…
OOOOhhhh yeah…the whole reason i started this was to ask if u all thought im bad enough to be experiencing PAWS and be going through “recovery”…ive never drunk daily all day……..never drunk in the mornings….(well, except on the very odd occasion with my friend(s) to carry on drinking after a night out and to drink all that day then go out the next night, but it makes me feel sick the thought of drinking with a hangover)……The way i drink is i binge….i go out clubbing and i can tell myself ill have a couple and it never ends u that way…i always end up worse (drunk) than my friends and i always end up doing something i regret and feel ashamed of…either hurting someone, saying something, acting like an idiot etc…and i feel depressed for days afterwards and tell myself i dont wanna drink ever again…and then the hangover and guilt starts to subside after several days or a week and i start to get te urge to drink again…my head will say things like it wsnt really THAT bad last week, you only did what everyone else deoes, your young, you are allowed to make a fool of yourself like that sometimes, we only live once so why not do what u enjoy, everyone else can do it so why should i not be allowed to go out and feel comfortable and have a good time? etc…..and i end up doing it over and over again,….this has been the pattern of the past 9/10 years….but over the past few years (4/5 roughly) i have been trying to cut down or quit…..i started with oing a week without drinking, then i did 1 month of no drinking quite a lot of times, then i managed to go 3 months at the end of last year (2/3 months before i got sober this time), but the whole time i was sober for those 3 months, all i thought about was replacing the alcohol with something else….i tried weed, caffiene, kava kava, relaxing herbal teas spice gold which i bought off the internet (herbal high stuff) and im very sensitive to the effects of things like weed so i had a few bad experiences wit that and got really depressed….all i didn was try to find something to give me the same effect alcohol did…to lower my inhibitions and give me confidence ive never had,a nd to allow me to socialise and feel comfortable doing so…the way i drink is once i start i cant stop…..i drink a LOT when im drinking, i drink til i pass out sometimes, or until i am in such a state i dont rememebr a thing…..i can go for periods of time without drinking, but once i start, i cant stop, even if i have one glass of wine one night and stick to it, there will be abother night i will have two, then more and more and ill always end up out of my face one night and back to where i started………totally out of control……so i go for months getting drunk often and then something really ad will happen, something that shocks me into stopping and then ill go fro months not drinking……..i am sick of the pattern, the same thing going round and round again………i turn violent and really evil when im drunk and hate who i become when im drunk…but even though im like that drunk i sometimes feel like im better drunk cos im more interesting and not boring and quiet like i am sober and no body notices me….at least i can be loud and make people laugh when im drunk (even though over the years i have come to realise that people are probably laughing AT me, not with me 🙁 .) I just want people to liek e, and to feel part of something…i feel like im so alone and not connected to everyone else..everyone else has their little groups of friends but i have 2 or 3…..but i dont really bother talking to them much cos i get parnoid talkig to people and it feels like such a big drain of my energy cos all i do is watch myself and what im doin and saying and tell myself im stupid…so i usually prefer to be alone because it makes me feel more secure and comfortable…..:-/ i feel like i am being fake when i talk to people cos i smile and say things i dont even care about…..am i just depressed ? its like im not interested in what other people are….i hate small talk……so what im trying to ask is do you think i have an alcohol problem enough to be going through recovery and
But this time being sober i have been sober for the longest time so far 5 months…i manage to stay sober longer each time i quit drinking, which i think is a positive sign 🙂 …and throughout this time being sober i have tried to work on myself and (like i mentioned before), i have recently become interested in buddhism and have been trying to change myself inside and become more positive and love myself etc, and i have felt wonderful!! at times…but its always up and down….i feel low in motivation at the minute and like i just want to say forget it all, its too much, and just go out and get drunk….but other times i am so motivated, and i feel so positive aout my future and am planning how to make my life more meaningful and organising things to do, for instance im planning to run the london marathon 2010 and positive things like that…..
Does anybody understand where im coming from?? Has anyone gone through this? Is it normal to feel like this after 5 months and does it change? how do you keep on track and not give up?
I apologise for ramling and if this doesnt make sense as i have literally just typed things as they came in my head and it has all come out as a big mess…….lol 🙂
If anyone can understand what i mean, and give any advice though, i will appreciate it loads 😀 I just feel alone and want someone to understand what im going through. I just want to know if people think my drinking is bad enough for me to consider myself in recovery (because i dont drink all day every day like a lot of alcoholics do) and could i be suffering from PAWS or is that only something alcoholics that drink all day every day suffer from? Does anybody have a sort of timeline of things to expect during the first year of sobriety, such as the mental and physical changes that the body will go through etc, so i know what to expect and that im not going crazy…..i am doing all of this by myself by the way,….i have not been to any meetings or anything like that…its all in my head and ive managed 5 months so far which i am proud of 🙂 but i feel like i need to contact people in the same situation so i know im not doing this alone…..i do not know what to expect and its quite scary at times when i feel as depressed as i do at times…..sometimes randomly ill just feel pure pain in my stomach and head and iit hurts and ill cry (all for no reason) and its horrible…and i dunno if im crazy or if its normal and my bodys ust healing?
WOW, that was a loooong message 😉 haha…………ill be suprised if anyone read all of it…..i just typed as things came in my head…….
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