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I hope you don’t mind me posting this question on here. I post on the friends and family naranon forum, but for this question I need to hear from addicts themselves. My addict is my 20 year old daughter. We have always had a very close relationship as she is my only child. She has been on and off opiates for the last 2 years. Did one stint in rehab last October for her Oxy addiction. When she got out of rehab she took up with the crack addict who lived downstairs from her. That led to us not talking for most of last winter. She came to us in March and wanted to change her life. We being good enabling parents bailed her out and she got a job, signed up to go to college in the fall and took classes at the community college to get some extra credits. She was doing well for three months. I saw her everyday. She was working, working out, etc. In June she quit her job, took back up with the addict downstairs and again we are not talking. This time is different for me. I have some recovery under my belt. (Enabling and codependency). I have let her go this time, am not trying to stop her, not begging, pleading, shaming, etc. like I did last fall. Her abf buys all of her drugs. We WILL NOT bail her out this time. We WILL NOT enable her in anyway.
All that being said here is my question. Is it possible that she can still love me? We have not talked in two weeks. This is my decision and it is as much for her as it is for me. When we see each other there is usually some tears. I know she hates herself, I know she feels shame. She has told me she does not care if she dies. So to avoid hurting her or myself further, I don’t make contact.
I love her more than anything and I pray every night that she will someday want recovery. I give her to my HP and tell him to hold her close to his heart.
When you were in active addiction did you still feel love for those that loved you?
Thanks for any replies. Marle
Marle – you are really cool!
Oh, ((((Marle))))) OF COURSE she still loves you.
Some might tell you that you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.
That’s not always the case. I KNOW your daughter Loves you.
From everything I know about her, she’s trying in the only way
she knows how to get back to you, and to herself.
Maybe this break will be good for you both.Some Mother-Daughter bonds can never be broke, no matter
how rough the road gets. I’m sure you understand what I mean.Yes, I sure did. But doing drugs made me different… and I isolated, and would’ve rather they not see me like that. So, I didnt make contact. For being too nervous, too caught up in myself(feelings of inadequacy, judgement, etc.), and avoided confrontation with people.
Yes I did.
The problem was that drugs distorted my emotions so that I was never able to express love in a healthy way
Stonespike, You are right on about the isolation. The feelings you talk about are the same that my daughter has said to me. I guess leaving her be is the right decision for now. Even hearing her voice is hard for me.
Loves, I know you are right. You are my sweetie. You know you give me hope like no other person on this forum. You and my daughter share a lot in common. Thanks
Peter, Express love in a healthy way. That makes sense. My daughter is either defensive or she is saying she loves me in a totally needy way. Thanks for your reply.
Lightquest, Thanks for the compliment. I am sure my daughter would not agree:)
Marle,
Real love . . . . the genuine article . . . . isn’t conditional. You still love your daughter although she is in trouble and has disappointed you. Regardless of her sobriety at any moment she loves you, too, and appreciates all that you have done. After all, you brought her into this world . . . for better or worse.
Any addict who implies that they will love you less if you don’t do what she/he wants is simply being manipulative. Addiction is a selfish, narcissistic disease.
You are doing the right thing by not enabling, as difficult & excruciating as it may be. Someday she’ll thank you for your “tough” love. Good luck until then.
Buzz
Buzz, thank you for your kind words. She has not asked me for anything yet. She has never used her love against me like that. It is my own insecurity that makes me feel like if I don’t give her things she will not love me. I am working on my own issues now so that if and when she wants to get recovery, I can be a better, less controlling mother to her. I, too, have made mistakes. Mistakes that I don’t wish to repeat.
I know my mother never stopped loving me and I never stopped loving her. The intense shame and guilt I felt kept me away from her and there were times I would get so pissed when she would have enough and come beating on my window yelling if I didn’t get up and answer the door she was calling 911.
It was a scene similar to this that got me to my first AA meeting a little over 2 years ago. She called, got the meeting schedule and drove me because I was in no shape to drive. She saved my life and I have since thanked her many times over.
Your daughter knows you love her and she loves you. She will not seek help until she is ready but she knows that when she is you will support her in her efforts. In the meantime, by turning it over to HP you have done all you can do and it’s now time to let Him do the rest.
Hugs,
KellyeThis thread suddenly gave me some hope today. I was earlier asking on “What addicts do” sticky whether our loved ones in trouble are hateful or not towards those who still love them. My son screamed “I hate you” when I threw his drugs out. After reading this thread, I’d like to think that it was not my true son but his drugs screaming instead, and possibly even his guilt and shame for being caught in such a pitiful situation and shape. After all, not all the time he is in this marginal state, sometimes when his head is clear he may be doing some thinking. He must know that I still love him and would help in any way I can, but I have to wait until he is ready. Maybe one day he will return to me and himself…
Hey (((Hope))),
I am sure that was probably the drugs speaking. Someone who is addicted to drugs believes the only way they can survive is with the drugs. If you take them away some pretty violent things can be said and felt.
That is my experience anyway.
Don’t give up hope, it’s always there.Yes, Marle and Hopes, addicts still do love – very much and very deeply. I loved my family and my H when I was in my active addiction. I was so ashamed, though, that I could not express it. I also didn’t love myself and that, too, kept me apart from those who loved me the most.
This disease affects us all so deeply. Prayers sent out to you and yours. May YOU find peace, regardless of the situation. And may all who suffer find a solution, peace and comfort.
:grouphug:
I can only speak for me. When I use, I put drugs first. I will behave badly, I will manipulate–even those who I love. Then I feel guilty, because I still love them, and the addict I am, I would use that as an excuse to use even more…it was a vicious circle for me.
Everyone thank you so much. It is funny because on the Nar-anon forum it is a common concern about our addicts. Whether they love us or not. I have answered so many posts with the words, “Yes, they love you, but they just love the drugs more”. I would say these words trying to comfort those in pain yet I guess in my heart I did not really believe them. Now when I say them, I will remember all of your words of encouragement and I will know that yes, Addicts do love, but that love is hidden beneath the shame that is felt. I have a new understanding and am starting to feel a great deal of compassion toward my daughter. Thank you, Hugs and prayers for you all, Marle
It’s never that they love the drugs more, it’s that they need them more. For me, the drugs sustained me like no human being possibly could until, of course, the drugs turned on me. They always do at some point, and that’s when the family will hopefully be there to support the addict in their recovery.
I agree with the previous post that the drugs distorted my ability to feel. Empathy was dead for me. My family used to call me Sybill (as in the woman with multiple personalities)…one person clean, and one totally different person using.
I’m sure she does love you very, very much.
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