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    I posted previously about being irritable, and this isn’t what I want to question.

    I met w/ my counselor yesterday.

    When I met w/ him the first few times and was very open about my booze (about 6 months ago), I explained that I have some challenges around me (crazy ex, stressful job, etc…) and I told him I’m drinking like a fish.

    he told me I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a cyclical problem of being incapable of coping. I ignored this and have carried on.

    Fast forward several months and dozens of visits.

    I’m on day 5 today. We met yesterday and what I’ve come to learn is that I have a LOT of anger toward my parents. Ignore my ex or job…I’ve come to find that it’s deeper and I’m beyond furious with my parents. It’s something I had never really realized and have just now begun to grapple with. I have a LOT of guilt and shame that stems from a pretty screwed-up upbringing. I’m constantly telling myself I can’t do anything right, I’m a mess, I’m doomed to fail. I was expressing this, and he told me again I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a coping problem.

    So he drew a circle diagram and at the top it said THOUGHTS. On the right side it said FEELINGS. On the the left it said ACTION. He then explained that I am so stuck in negative thoughts, that I proceed to feeling like crap, which causes me to drink because I can’t cope. So he has continued to go back to the top THOUGHTS and has asked me to spend some time thinking about that. He maintains that if I could ever forgive my parents, and decide to drop my baggage, that I could probably drop my bad habits.

    I’m not looking for an excuse to drink. I’m truly not. The one thing I do find interesting is that I’m 35. Throughout college, i was a very normal social drinker. In my early 30s, I was a very normal drinker. When I turned 33, I went through a rough spot (divorce) and my folks threw me under the bus. And I’m still pissed about it, and it brought up years of old feelings about how crappy they were as parents. From there, my drinking began. Once I began to use booze as a coping mechanism, I was done for. However, I can review my life and see that I truly didn’t fixate on drinking for much of anything at any previous point in my life. I would watch movies on Saturday nights. Now, I pound beers like mad. I used to go to dinners. Now, I drink in front of the TV. At one point, there was never this streak in me that required the booze to placate negative thoughts and feelings.

    So part of me is wondering if he’s not on to something?? If I could ever find some peace in my heart for my emotions, is there some hope for me to recover a normal lifestyle? I know I’ve got a long way to go to even find the perspective necessary to move forward, but a lot of what he says makes sense.

    thanks in advance.

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