I can’t believe how many different day 1’s I’ve had in the past year. It is ridiculous. I am done. I don’t want to die. Suddenly the idea of powerlessness over alcohol makes more sense to me. Yes, I am the person who ultimately picks up the drink, but it is like I am possessed by some demon in the minutes leading up to the first drink. Then I end up on a daily drinking spree for a week or two.
No sense beating myself up over this chronic relapse thing. I am not sure I should even call it relapse…how serious have I ever really been? Is anything different now? I can’t tell just yet, but I sense that there is. Some things about sobriety seem inherently right and aligned with the person I want to be, not the person I was.