- This topic has 10 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
- August 26, 2012 at 5:54 pm#27734AnonymousInactive
Just yesterday I posted about how well I was doing. Today I am doing really bad..and I don’t even know why..
I worked today from 5am-1pm. The whole time all I was thinking about was Tramadol and getting high. Today is day 30 away from that drug.
I was so close to driving to a pain clinic after work but I stopped myself.
I want my drug…I want to get high…I want to nod out in front of the tv.
I just don’t think I can do this.
I know I need NA (but I am not into that spiritual stuff, I also don’t have time for it..) I saw a therapist but it was like talking to a wall…
I am crying as I type this; I want to live. I want to see my two year old grow up. At the rate I was going 30-40 Trams during an 8 hr period; I would probably be dead by now.
If someone has any words of wisdom they would gladly be appreciated…
LizAugust 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm#107109AnonymousInactive
Sometimes the things we DONT think we have time for a the very things we need the most. Go to a meeting and take what you can use and leave the rest. Nobody forces anything on you. The fellowship is much like what you will find here only face to face. Believe me – if you will just resist the craving you are having it will pass. I PROMISE.
Pick up the phone and call the NA hotline, call a friend, go for a walk, play with your child – anything but use. If you just fight your way through it – it will pass.
I urge you to try meetings. Even if you aren’t willing to try NA there are alternatives like like SMART that work for alot of people. YOu can do a search for SMART recovery. One thing that used to really work for me was journaling – sitting down with a pen and paper and writing it all out. It helps sometimes to put things into perspective and to vent even if in writing.
Hang in there – don’t use. You have come too far to turn back now.August 26, 2012 at 6:47 pm#107115AnonymousInactive
NA helped me because I found what I couldn’t do alone, I could do together with my fellow members. Try not to focus on the spirituality issue, focus instead on the unity of the fellowship. For many that is the only “Higher Power” they have, and they stay clean.
There is power in the unity of recovering addicts working together to stay clean.August 26, 2012 at 6:50 pm#107111AnonymousInactive
I agree. You’ve completed 30 days successfully. Why throw yourself back into the fray, misery, and desperation? You know what you will have to face if you do take the chance to use again. YOU KNOW WHERE THAT PLACE LEADS. And all that for what? So you can nod in front of the tv? lol, it doesnt even seem remotely close to being worth it, imo.
Go ahead, continue to torture yourself. But its not worth it to be messed up for a couple hours or a day. Once it wears off, you will be right back where you started, and totally pissed that you went 30 days, and gave up. You’ll be even worse off. Sound familiar?
But do what you want, I guess. It sounds like you just want some attention. And going to some NA meetings could be the attention you need. Ya know, I was thinking about meetings, meetings, and meetings. Im sure there is a time when your so sick of hearing that… meetings! But it trully does help! REALLY.
What you are going through are just that… cravings. You’re not gonna die, you’re not in impending danger, and you’re not even exactly in pain! So, why pollute your “temple” with outside sources of poison? You are here for a reason, and we all were built to survive. Doing drugs definatly kills this survival instinct we are equipped with, and drugs short circuits your brain to think that you need it for survival. You might think so… but you dont. So, leave it alone. Find something else positive to throw yourself into. It really can be anything. Just do it. Why throw it all away?August 26, 2012 at 6:59 pm#107107AnonymousInactive
You can do this Liz, I know you can. You have done it for over 30 days now.
That is SO wonderful!! Don’t be hard on yourself, give yourself credit, alot of credit.
Ya know, NA really isn’t that spiritual. But, it does work!! I know it’s scary to walk into a meeting, but once you do, and you make it through a meeting, and you go back for another, and another, you will find that it is just what you need, and you will see that it helps you so much. You will be very surprised. Sometimes it’s the people that fight going to the meetings that in the end, when they finally do go, end up chairing meetings, and are some of the biggest advocates for 12 step meetings.
See, just getting together with others, when you realize that you are in a room, that has people that are just like yourself, and share the same issues as you, it feels SO good to just listen to what others share, and also it feels good to get the things out of you, in a confidential place, anything you need to say, it all helps so much. I really can’t tell you Liz, just how successful NA is, but it is.. You’ll be surprised. It works. Many people that attend are not “spiritual”. They go for support. At least that has been my experience.
Besides, if you really want to take pills, and fall asleep in front of the TV, do you think you owe it to yourself to try something that works for so, so many people? You have so much to lose, you don’t want to lose.. You have come SO far.. You don’t want to go backwards.
Or like Begin said, there is Smart… Check that out, if you can find it in your area., Nothing beats a face to face meeting. Whatever works really.
We’re here for you.. :Val004:
I’ll be praying for you..
BeckyAugust 26, 2012 at 6:59 pm#107106AnonymousInactive
(((((Liz))))) It’s not uncommon to hit a bump in the road around an important clean date – 30 days, 60, 90, etc. What you’re feeling is normal – no one ever said that this would all be easy – bad days are going to happen. Remember that cravings are temporary and that this will pass. I know you don’t really want to go back to using – you know it too or you wouldn’t have posted this. Life with a two year old can be really hectic, and when you’re working too you don’t have much free time. Lots of us have used the excuse of not having enough time to get to a meeting, but we sure found the time we needed to pursue our drug habits when we were using! Don’t worry about the spiritual side of NA right now, but do try to find the time to get to a meeting just so that you can be around people who are clean – you will absorb some of that good energy and it will help you to feel better. Hang in there, Liz – I promise you it is going to get better, as long as you don’t use today. :hug:August 26, 2012 at 7:18 pm#107110AnonymousInactive
OH MY! Please don’t throw your 30 days away. I agree with Stonespike……..you’ll be kicking yourself in the butt if you relapse.
One thing I have learned along the way, is total SURRENDER. You say you aren’t into the spiritual stuff or that you don’t have the time. I can respect that……..I don’t agree with it, but I can respect that. Honestly, sounds like denial to me, one of those mechanisms that keeps a lot of people from seeking recovery and “doing the do.”
Only you can decide what is best for Liz…………with the help from others in recovery, you can do this. You certainly are aware of the fact that if you go back to using, it will eventually cost you your life! Plain and simple. Ultram is a nasty drug………using the quantity you have been to to get ‘your high’ is very dangerous. Your just a seizure away from a coma.
Please………..seek out an NA group and let them love on you. Swallow that pride and let your addiction know you mean business.
Good luck, sweetie, and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
MackieAugust 26, 2012 at 8:36 pm#107108AnonymousInactive
How ya doin? I had so many of those thoughts in the beginning. I still do, but not like I did.
The main thing I’ve learned to get through them, is just because you have a craving doesn’t mean you have to use.
Each time you make it through you’ll get a little bit stronger.
If you find you aren’t able to do it on your own, then find something or someone that will help you.
Whether it be meetings, a new therapist, etc. Find something.
You CAN do this, I know you can. Your stronger than you think you are.August 26, 2012 at 8:43 pm#107114AnonymousInactive
I agree with Stonespike, please hang on!
You don’t want to throw away those 30 clean days!
I know the pain you are in is likely from W/D symptoms but I was wondering what is hurting if you can pinpoint because I have a few things that I do for pain as I am too afraid to take something “too Good” for pain as I know for sure that I would want to keep going back to it…
Please Please don’t do it, easier for today tragic for tomorrow (s)
ccrewAugust 27, 2012 at 5:12 am#107113AnonymousInactive
I’m sure you’ve heard your share of that…but the first 30 days is difficult…
I know if you keep in your mind that it is only for 24 hours you can do it…
Unless you have time for your addiction, you need to find time for NA (and the spiritual stuff) because it is a spiritual program…
don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle
J.August 27, 2012 at 7:37 am#107112AnonymousInactive
Hang in there, Liz!
You are in the middle of a relapse–the initial, mental component–but you haven’t given into the physical side. DON’T LET IT TAKE OVER!! Keep the disease in check by not taking that first pill!!
You will only be torn down spiritually and we all know how hard that is to bounce back from!
Give NA (or AA, which I prefer even though I’m not an alcoholic), a try. I know I used to ALWAYS dread going to a meeting, but ALWAYS found myself nodding in something someone was sharing. And I always feel AWESOME afterward. If nothing else, I didn’t use for that 60 or 90 minutes and, even more important, I took a positive and proactive step in my recovery.
(If not NA/AA, find another recovery support group, friends, SOMETHING/ANYTHING to help you through this crisis…you need to surround yourself with strong recovery right now and from all I’ve read from you, I know you have that available to you…coming here and putting out the call for help is the best thing you can do…right now, even through your tears, you remain free of drugs!)
That feeling of facing the problem–doing something to regain control–is so empowering. I promise you that it will be one of the best things you do this week!
To me, especially in early recovery, it’s all about making the next, right decision. Doing that gives me control and brings back manageability, two things vital to a healthy recovery.
Don’t give in to the committee in your head. As I wrote in a thread a couple of weeks ago, all it cares about is taking over at the first sign of weakness. Once in control, all it cares about is seeing that you fail. And the committee always wins.
STAY STRONG and lean on us…we all want you to succeed and keep on the right path! Take care!
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