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- September 23, 2015 at 11:36 pm#37493AnonymousInactive
This is my 3rd post to these forums and I am starting to feel like some of the people here really do care about others and aren’t overly self absorbed as many out here on the Internet are. I try to make my posts short and straight enough that they can be easily understood by everyone, I love to write and I do quite a bit of it especially since I became partially “house bound” due to a life threatening medical problem. In my initial post I shared about my medical complications. I am a 44 year old Caucasian male suffering from life threatening blood clots and severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been living with what is called “Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” for 40 years, my symptoms are many and complex.
When I was only 4 years old my mother and late father decided to put me and my brother into a “day care” center. The people who ran 3 operations were threatening, torturing, and beating the children many of whom were orphans and wards of the state caught up in the system. Neither one of my parents took not a single second to call the county and or police to check out these people, there were many complaints filed. I was repeatedly viciously beaten and tortured for about a year of my life. I have never told a single living person the full details of my ordeal and I prefer it this way, I mean what good are the details anyway? Those incidents changed my personality, changed my emotional health, and completely altered the course of my future and my life. I can’t really do this subject its due time and energy because I am trying to get to the point. There is no way for me to regain what was taken from me, I will go to my grave with this.
At the day care center I began experiencing total blackouts, they started during the beatings, and I remember it like it was yesterday, I knew something was wrong with me but didn’t know what. The blackouts continue to plague me today, and medications and or drug usage makes it much worse. I have blacked out behind the wheel of a car 2 times, the first time I hit a telephone pole head on at 45mph without a seat belt on, the second time I ran into the back of a semi-truck on the freeway. I had a friend who had the same problem, the last time he blacked out he was killed and died. I have recently discovered that Ambien causes me to sleepwalk and blackout at the same time so I don’t take it anymore. A few weeks ago I found more Ambien in my medicine drawer and thought everything was ok and that I wouldn’t take any but during the night I unknowingly started using it.
Last night at about 4:00 am I woke up in my bathtub, the water was freezing cold so I know I was in there for quite a bit of time. This scared the living heck out of me, many of my drawers were pulled out and the contents dumped on the floor. Stuff was rearranged in my bedroom, and I had done all of this while blacked out. I have heard of cases through the years where people fall asleep in the bathtub while overdosing and they drown and die. I can’t fully describe this experience but I was terrified that I may have yet again come close to death. I cleaned up the room this afternoon and flushed all the Ambien down the toilet so I think I will be safe and secure from now on, I hope so anyway. I can’t tell my mother who helps take care of me because it would frighten the heck out of her so I come here to this forum hoping people will take me for who I am and help me to help myself.
I do not want to die yet, I want to live long enough to recover from my trauma and to try and help at least 1 child avoid what I went through. It is an unfortunate fact that many Americans think that PTSD only pertains to veterans but clearly this is not the case, there is so much trauma out here, the pain and suffering is indescribable for most trauma survivors. Thanks for reading, and for posting.
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