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    So as everyone knows from past posts, I really struggle with staying clean, even while I think I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. I think my problem is fully trusting and relying on God and trusting in the steps. I’m not sure what it is. So after my relapse last week I was doing great until yesterday. What happened was a kid at school started talking about drinking and drugs and the obsession started, and I ended up using. I guess I had a part in that though. I prayed, but I kind of didn’t want it to go away. And the worst part was I didn’t even get high. It’s really weird, but I know I never want to use again, but I def. have no self control. I had someone tell me maybe I need to go on one last run, but seriously that is not an option. When I go on runs, I don’t come back, for months and months to years, and it gets worse each time. I can’t go through that again or I will seriously end up just killing myself, on purpose. I really need help. I don’t want to use ever again. It’s not even appealing to me anymore, but yet I still do it.

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