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    I need to talk.

    I’ve had 8 months of sobriety from alcohol. I’ve learned a lot, grown more patient and had some great things come about.

    But I haven’t had absolute sobriety. My wife and I still enjoy a little pot on occasion. I more than her. Yes, I know, it is bad.

    On top of that I recently started going back and using DXM – the active ingredient in many OTC cough medicines. Did it in college a few times and started using it again. And, of course, I got caught by my wife.

    I talked to a trusted friend, my new sponsor, in AA and told him everything. We are going to go though step four and five again this Sunday and start over.

    I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me that I do this sort of thing. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it but until I got caught, I kept doing it, hiding it.

    Ugh. All of the self confidence and self worth I built up over the past 8 months is completely gone. I have now sunk back into deep self loathing….I can’t stand myself.

    I am so sick of cravings. I am so sick of lack of control. I am so sick of this dysfunction. I just can’t put up with it. It is a constant f***ing nag in my head that I feel like I’m always fighting and after awhile…I just finally break down and give in. I’ve done the steps, made a very thorough inventory – was honest about things I never wanted to be honest about.

    I am sitting at my desk at work and just want to cry. I am so upset with who I am, what I have become, what I’ve done. Ugh.

    I don’t even know what I’m looking for right now. More reprimanding and being told how I messed up? I probably need it. Not sympathy. I just cannot believe how bad this depression and self loathing is right now.

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