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- May 26, 2017 at 11:35 am#42965
my mom has been in the hospital for the better part of 5 months this year. my dad told me last night that she’s not doing well at all, and things are looking kind of bleak.
to be blunt, i don’t have any fond memories of my mom since the 80’s. she was a horribly abusive person, and what’s worse is i don’t think she ever really thought of the way she treated me as abuse. to put it a little more clear, she’s as dumb as a sack of rocks. i don’t think she ever realized what she was doing was neglect or abuse. i’m not trying to be mean here….she really is not a smart person. i don’t know how else to say it.
i think the part i’m having a hard time with is my sence of loss. i feel kinda bad that i don’t feel worse. if i’m honest with myself, my sadness isn’t so much for myself…i think that relationship or any hope for one between my mother and myself has been gone for a long time, it’s the loss my dad will suffer that really makes me sad.
my dad has been passionately in love with my mother since he met her. before my mom got sick, i don’t think they had ever spent more than a day apart in their marriage of over 42 years.
last year, i had mended all the fences between my father and myself and we have been fast friends ever since.
as for my mother, i just don’t know. she’s resented me since i was a teenager and once i got into alcohol and drugs, she made it her crusade to rescue me from it….the thing was, i didn’t want to be rescued. it would take me another decade before i wanted to hear about any sort of recovery.
i think that really made her bitter.
it was like a switch got turned off in her and she just became a mean as hell bitter person towards me. this is where we have been…. at a stalemate, ever since.
I understand that she’s mad that i was so destructive. i get that, but it was 20 years ago. i’m not even trying to minimize it…it was what it was…it really hurt her, but what else can i do? I’ve apologized over and over….. I’ve even been to therapists to talk about this…..the only thing i can do is to be an example of a good man, husband, and father.
i had had hopes that we’d repair the damage done but after trying for the last 18 months i don’t think she will ever see me as the man i am today. in her eyes, i was and will always be that immature, helpless addict that is an emotional parasite to her. The years i had hoped we’d have to repair the damage is sadly just about over, i fear.
honestly, i don’t really even want to visit her. i don’t really want to even talk to her. i think it’s because i know myself and what i could do in a destructive tornado of emotion if i allow myself to be anything but guarded.
i have to be…one slip could end my life. i’ve told myself, i will not go to a funeral, say goodbyes or any of the sort.
When i was 17 i buried one of the only people i ever gave a s#it about and it destroyed me for almost 2 decades. i can’t and will not do it again for ANYONE. why? i know what it has the potential to do to me. I can turn into a monster on a dime and it all be over and i love my family too much to do it all again. i won’t survive another detox.
so….that’s it. i needed to write about it and i did. I’m not sure what else to do. thanks for listening. :c020:
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