It’s been probably the worst year of my life with regards to bad news and emotional chaos, up until this point though I had felt pretty serene. Then this last week things had hit me full force and I just couldn’t seem to cope. I know that I should have gotten myself to a meeting and I know what happens to people who don’t go to meetings. I’m in a different city just now though and I also know that isn’t an excuse but I just didn’t want to be around loads of new people.

My Granddad is in his final days, my Aunt died last week and my other Aunt has got a recurrence of lung cancer. It’s so damn hard, but it’s as if I’m frightened to show my emotions. I’m so scared that if I start crying it is going to consume me and I wont be able to stop.

I am also in a new relationship and that’s taking second place, well third place in my life. My sobriety/higher power/me is obviously first, then my family stuff and then this girl that I am dating. Just feel all over the place, think that I need time to centre myself and get back on track.

Going to see my parents on Sunday and I think that is when I will break down a bit, if I allow myself. Just feel like a helicopter right now, once I am back home on Tuesday I am going to immerse myself in meetings and in the fellowship. Going to see my sponsor and get back into a healthier way of living. I can’t control the relationship stuff, although I feel that I may lose her before I even really have her.

It’s so damn hard to admit when you’re 21 months sober than drink seems attractive. I know it’s not the solution though and I don’t have the urge today. Third step prayer will really have to carry me through this one!

xxx