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    Well, I’m not posting like I said I would, but I do read a LOT. Today I feel like I need to post, because my need for support is much greater at the moment.

    I’m standing in my brother in law’s wedding, to be nice. I don’t know his soon to be wife real well, but nevertheless she asked me to be in her wedding anyway. Ok, fine, I was cool with that. Well she has turned into an absolute bridezilla from Hell. Especially today. Telling me what she was going to MAKE me do. She wants us to get our makeup done in the mall…I’ve had one of these merle norman makeovers, and it broke me out pretty badly for a month after the makeover. I can’t wear their makeup on my face at all. She wants all of us ladies to have the same makeup, to match the dresses. Not our complexion, but the dresses. EVERYTHING matches down to our toes, I’m amazed she hasn’t asked us to dye our hair the color of the dresses! If I never see the color wine after this wedding, it’ll be too soon.

    This woman is stressing me out so bad that I almost used tonight. Luckily all meds are locked up, and my husband would have to get it for me. He put his foot down and said no. But, I just feel like I can’t handle the stress anymore. I’m also detoxing off of Klonopin. I still have the withdrawal from that, which makes the stress feel worse than it is. I was shaking and generally just couldn’t control the panic attack that overtook me earlier tonight. I DON’T want to use again, but I’m getting sick from the stress going on as well. I got so upset I cried and came close to throwing up. I never even stressed this bad before my own wedding, or childbirth to tell the truth. I don’t know what to do 🙁

    Tomorrow will be day 20 for me. I don’t want to go back to day 1 again. And basically my husband says if the stress of this wedding makes me need to use again, he’ll never talk to her again. I’m thankful for the backup from him, so thankful. However, she’s the type that will run to the inlaws and cry to them, asking them to talk to me, see if I’ll do it for THEM. I don’t DO anything for other people, if it makes me seriously uncomfortable. When I told her I was allergic, she didn’t care, she was like, but we paid for it, you need to go there, and she never said another thing.

    My heart is pounding really hard still, I’m doubtful that I’ll sleep tonight. When she first asked me she swore to me that she wasn’t one of those brides. She was right, she’s WORSE than any bride I’ve stood up with. I told her yes because she didn’t have anyone else, at the time. I felt like I was sorta backed against the wall when I said yes. And I was using at the time, so yes, at the time I could deal with the stress. I deal with stress by using. I honestly didn’t think that she’d be this difficult.

    Just a really hard hard day to get through, today. I’m sure this is me :react but my head is still messed up from the klonopin withdrawals, I can’t help it. I tried breathing, but I was so upset it turned into hyperventilating. Do I need to be making HER happy, despite my own health and sobriety? Because I already committed to it? If she’d told me all this in the beginning, I wouldn’t have even bothered being in it. She just sprang this on me on Tuesday. The only way I can deal with having horrific make up is to be using so I just don’t give a crap what I look like. 🙁 And, well, that is NOT an option. Using is never an option for me again. How do I deal?

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