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    i found my ex boyfriend dead in his apartment Saturday, Dec. 12. he had been dead since the wee hours of Dec. 9. we had argued around noon on Tuesday, Dec. 8 (more like he argued with me because he was drinking). from what i can tell, he was already drinking at this time……then that day around 6 p.m. he came into my place of business (i am a bartender) dressed in a suit and gave me a dozen red roses and told me he loved me.

    i’ve retraced his steps as best i can that night. around 9 p.m. he was at a friend’s apartment and took a fall and cut the back of his head with his necklace (a shell choker) and refused medical help. we don’t know if he bled out, or if he had a heart attack (age 37) or choked….or overdosed. we found an empty bottle of vicodin in the apartment. his family may not even request autopsy results. that’s how fractured his relationship was because of his drinking.

    we had been broken up five months. i left him because of domestic violence and cheating and alcoholism. he moved into the same apartment complex as me, right across the parking lot.

    you know they say, “love the person, hate the disease” and that’s what i’m trying to do. it’s easy to hate the disease, but over the last few days since his death, i’ve been hearing from friends of his about all the horrible things he was up to while we lived together (mostly cheating and selling drugs). so i’m having a hard time dealing with anger, which i would have had to deal with whether he was still alive or not.

    i’m afraid that even had he lived, he was never going to stop drinking and get well. his life had become so out of focus and he was even hanging with people who smoke crack.

    but i feel a sense of guilt because we had argued and i think it set off a hard-core binge for him, even though he was going to a treatment program five days a week.

    his friends told me he was in a foul mood that night, spouting garbage about his mother (and maybe me too, but they are too nice to tell me) and also taking a swing at one of his friends.

    he was just so tortured and in pain. i should not have argued with him.

    any resources for dealing with bereavement and loss, even though the person that died was abusive to me? i still loved him…sober, he was truly a kind person. the disease just ruined his life.

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