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    Hey everyone,

    I’m to the point where I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I always hate posting a “novel” of a long post so I’ll make this as short as I can.

    Sure a lot of you guys know me here, joined up about 10 months ago. Had times of sobriety during that time as well as a couple times going back to drinking (HATE the word relapes). Anyway…was sober the past about 2 months, thought it was the “last time” for me and this was it. I did the whole AA route years ago and don’t hate it but tried this time doing it on my own with some AA meetings as support, reading the big book on my own, reading “beyond the influence” …using this site, etc etc. It was working well for a couple months.

    About 5 weeks ago a very good friend of mine died, it really hurt me more than I let on to my friends/family. That was the first time I had thoughts “again” about drinking. Over the next couple weeks after that I slowed down on going to meetings and doing what was keeping me sober. About 2 weeks ago one of my best friends died of an OD of drugs. I didn’t post about that here because I tried to block the feelings out of my mind and as bad as this sounds….I didn’t want to tell “strangers” about that ya know. About a week ago I tried to do something for health, and quit smoking. I posted about quiting smoking last week…..looking back maybe what I really should have posted about was losing my friend from and OD rather than the smoking crap.

    So….4 days ago on friday night, I drank again. I went to the local party store I use to always go to and got what I thought I needed. I drank a fifth and a half of vodka on friday night. I don’t remeber much after 9pm friday night, don’t know what I did, who I talked to, or where I went. All I know is I woke up Saturday ashamed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling defeated, and feeling useless. My family knows I “finally quit” 2 months ago. I haven’t been able to tell them about this so I have been keeping it to myself because I know if I told them it would break their hearts. I lying to them though.

    I’ve spent the last 4 days just…not being part of life. After this last drinking session my body just can’t move for days it seems. I’m just finally back to myself this morning.

    It’s hard for me to admit this stuff because I’m normally a pretty private person. But after going through this “relapse” a few days ago I don’t quite know what to do. I’m to the point of feeling like I honestly don’t know if I will ever completely stop drinking. I’ve “hit my bottom” a number of times over the past 15 yrs. Jail, car crashes, losing fiances, jobs. You’d think that would be enough of a ‘Bottom” to make anyone quite, yet I guess I still haven’t.

    I don’t know how I feel about myself right now or what to honestly do. I’m honestly feeling like I will never stop drinking completely right now. As much **** as I have gone through you would think I’d be done for sure, but I’m still wondering IF I’m done and what’s it gonna take? I want to quit forever so many times, yet for whatever reason I can turn right around and turn into wanting to drink. Anyway…for whatever reason I felt the need to be honest and post this tonight, so I guess you guys are for some reason one point in my life were I still feel the need to be honest and reach out too.

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