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    Hi, this is my first post and I’m an alcoholic

    I have a history of subtance abuse that I was able to overcome but started drinking more frequently not that long after and I’m finally at the point where I need to stop or it’s going to destroy me and anyone I’m with.

    When I drink at home, I have much more control on my intake. I’ll normally have the equivalent of 5 pints of beers everynight, I’m unable to sleep if I don’t. I’ll sit in my living room watching TV and my wife (who is a nurse) either sits in the bedroom (to be away from me) or is at work. We never argue about it anymore but she is clearly upset by it and is always asking for me to stop. I don’t get hungover and always feel okay (both mentally and physically).

    More often that not though, I go out and drink and I have no control. Ill go out by myself or with friends, it doesnt matter. My wife is always worried as she think something bad will happen to me and she is right, as I ALWAYS do something wrong. I can be a happy drunk, I’m usually a depressed drunk but occasionally I’m a violent drunk. Friends prefer not to invite me out as I need a babysitter and always ruin someone elses night. I’ve been in petty fights, cried in a corner whilst announcing that I’m going to kill myself or how **** my life is and ended up in hospital.

    What is probaly the worst aspect of all of this, is that I suffer from amnesia nearlly all the time. Theres been times when I remember going to bed at 2am, only to be told by my wife that when she came from work that I was wide awake, singing songs whilst drinking more. This is even stranger in that I only ever buy enough drink for that night, so it means that when I thought I went to bed, I’ve got up and dressed and drove my bike to get more drink. Theres so many other instances of this happening when Im out but I won’t go into them, all I know is that it happens frequently and it scares and upsets me.

    I suffer from severe anxiety and I get upset to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. When not drunk, I’m an anxious person with low self esteem and so self-important that I think everyone is thinking about me. This has been evident since I abused other substances but has became much worse as my drinking has increased.

    I’ve ruined many friendships and theres every chance my wife will leave me now. I don’t know if giving up drink will solve all my problems but it’s the best and right place to start.

    I live in a foreign country and they do have AA meetings but all are quite far from where I live so I want to start here.

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