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    I have 30 days clean today. It’s the longest that I have been clean since I was 11, I’m almost 21. Even when I was in treatment I was using (trading pills with the other people) so to me this is HUGE! But even though I am proud of myself, I can’t help wanting to get high. All I want to do right now is grab the bubble or even worse (for me) grab the needle. It’s weird, I have been off meth for about 6 months now, the last time I used it scared the hell out of me and I have had no desire to do it again…until tonight. I started doing heroin heavily about a year and a half ago and lost EVERYTHING. This is a weird feeling because I have never craved two totally different drugs at the same time. I think I’m scared of being clean…I know it sounds dumb but I am. It’s all I know. Now, I’m back living at my moms house working my butt off. I have two jobs, go to meetings whenever I can and just got into counseling. But today it was thrown into my face that it is not “good enough”. It is not a healthy environment to be in and I’m trying to find another place to go but for the time being I’m stuck. I’m just sick of my best not being good enough. I’m ready to throw in the towel and get high. But then in the next breath I refuse to give in. Sorry if this is confusing…I guess the best way to put is there is a major war going on inside of my head and I’m scared of who is going to win. (Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde) I know it’s not a good way of thinking, but I wish I could just keep being a junkie and have everything go my way. I feel like pulling my hair out…I think i am going crazy :wild

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