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  • #31138
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Three and a half years sober and I’m still a mess.

    I say things that upset my wife and I don’t mean to. Stupid things like I might say if I were drunk.

    Is there no end to this madness?

    #164816
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,
    You have been 3 years with out drinking but you say mean stuff to you wife?
    There is medication for anger problems; if you have any anger in you will help you a lot
    Not to be mean with other people, you should talk to your doctor and asking him

    #164805
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Welcome Ed….

    You don’t mention a recovery program.
    Are you using any?

    🙂 When I apply the 12 Steps of AA
    in my daily life…it just goes smoother.

    Glad your here with us…please keep posting.

    #164807
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    yes…

    just apply the same principles as you did with not drinking.
    Regconition and acceptence is always that first step.

    honesty works for me, becuase i have to honestly admit
    if I like those behaviors or not.

    what if i like it ?
    it’s the samething as getting drunk…I like it, but it stopped working.

    well..I hated working step#8 and #9..it was foooies,
    so like they say..stopped creating more problems.
    #10 wroks for me.
    My spiritaul advisor say it’s like taking a shower or taking a bath.
    I wash myself of the daily dirt and grime so i don’t carry it into tommorow.

    well, I’m not a saint and sometime my gf gets on my nerves.
    I keep a notepad..it’s personal thing.
    I can call her whatever the freanken name I want in my notepad.
    it’s oneway of me releasing the pin up energy instead of making a butt
    out of myself…plus i hate doing step #9.lol
    then i just rip it up and throw it away..i guess you can call it letting go
    and truning it over.

    it’s like me taking the trash out…i did my part and clean house.
    I leave the junk, the dirt and the grime in a trash can on the crub.
    Beats the hell out of me what the trashman do with my trash,
    never the less it’s out of my life.

    I don’t really think ,I know god all the will.
    It’s okay thou…I don’t know the trashman either.
    it works if you work it.

    when we were working it..
    once upon a time my gf and I set a date once a week for gift exchanging.
    I get her onething a week …flowers, balloons, cards, write a poam or whatever gift once a week….just becuase.
    it’s charecter building and relationship building.
    you know…do something nice for someone. Getting out of myself, taking moments or time from my busy
    schedule to do something for her and not always…me, me, me.

    #164809
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m not saying mean things to her, just stupid things. I’ve never been verbally abusive in a hateful way – I love my wife and she loves me. I just say stupid things that irritate her and make her wonder if I’m ever gonna get normal again – I wonder that too.

    I do or say or don’t do and don’t say things sometimes that aren’t very considerate of her feelings – like I’m just thinking of myself like I did so much when I was at the depth of my drinking. I don’t even realize that’s it’s happening until it’s done. Then, instead of making amends like AA says to do, I try to talk myself out of it – I know that never works, and all I should do is apologize right then and there, but I do it anyway. It’s a really bad habit that I want to drop, but it keeps coming up over and over. I have good spells where I think I’m getting better, and then BOOM a rash of bad days.

    I joined up with AA a few months ago – I quit drinking on my own – and I’m working the steps with my sponsor. But I’m so frustrated with making the same stupid selfish mistakes over and over.

    Thanks to all of you who have responded – I didn’t expect so many helpful people responding so fast.

    Thank you

    #164815
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    something that works for me when im feeling irritated.

    i count to three, and take a deep breath, before i say anything. that saves my butt a lot.

    #164818
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    my husband is not a drunk but says mean and stupid things all the time. if it makes you feel any better, i understand that he’s just human and i still love him all the same. i get cranky a few days a month too, like any normal woman. i guess it’s easier to blame alcohol when you’re drunk, but when you’re sober and still act like an ass you really have to own up to it. that’s one of the reasons it’s so hard for me to quit, being afraid to actually see that there’s more wrong with me than just booze.

    but congratulations on your sobriety! that itself is a huge leap. no one’s perfect – but i agree with what afraid2succeed says about taking a deep breath and counting to 3!!!

    #164813
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Ed,

    Seems to me that you are doing what you need to do. You realize what you are doing, and working on changing it. Please be gentle with yourself. It’s not gonna change over night, and you won’t end up being a saint at the end either.

    big Hugs,

    Karen

    #164808
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    it okay ed, my gf tell’s me I say things to her that irratates her too.
    As long as there’s communications.

    yeap , sometimes I’m wasn’t even aware of it.
    So when I was first confornted with it..of course i denied it.

    But since I’m more aware of it..I try to catch myself.
    I didn’t always at first , but as I became more aware of it , I catch
    myself faster, progress not perfection.

    but sometimes I’m just angery at her..So I let her know that I’m irritated
    and i need a time out or sometime alone to regroup myself.

    as long as there’s communication and there’s a good attitude

    #164806
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My husband is often easily irritated by things I say. It took me a long time to realize that I’m not responsible for his irritation. There are times I’m focused on him, and there are times that I’m focused on other obligations. Most of the time, I find it’s his need for undivided attention and my unwillingness to neglect something or someone else to feed that need that sends him off in a snit.

    I can’t fix that for him.

    (if it might apply…)

    Peace & Love,
    Sugah

    #164812
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I joined up with AA a few months ago – I quit drinking on my own – and I’m working the steps with my sponsor. But I’m so frustrated with making the same stupid selfish mistakes over and over.

    Ed take it easy on your self, if you are like me you will know what I am about to say is true.

    I was not born a drunk even though I was born an alcoholic. It took me years of drinking to slowly become a drunk. I have only been sober a little over a year now and even though I have finished working the steps in AA, I still have a long way to go in my recovery, the difference between me today and a year ago when sobriety was a whole new deal with me is huge, part of this is due to simply not drinking for a year, but the thing that has changed me the most has been the steps of AA, the change has not happened in me over night, but with each step worked I have become a better and happier person.

    As I worked the steps I reached the point where the urge/need to drink was lifted, this was a huge hurdle for me, because I was no longer fighting alcohol, any one or any thing.

    Hang in there, working the steps will result in one changing, the change is not over night….. be patient. What will lead to even further positive change in you will be living the steps and continually working them.

    Ed you are learning to love your self by improving your self which will allow you to love others and them to love you.

    Take your time, there is no rush, just keep moving forward one day and one step at a time, it will come as long as you are working it.

    #164817
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Everybody is different
    I don’t think it’s because you was an alcoholic
    If you not aggressive to her and say just say mean things
    Nobody is perfect
    Who did not say a mean thing to the matte before?
    Don’t worry.

    #164814
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @Ed567 1506237 wrote:

    Three and a half years sober and I’m still a mess.

    I say things that upset my wife and I don’t mean to. Stupid things like I might say if I were drunk.

    Is there no end to this madness?

    I know this sounds cliche’ but I have to keep in mind that “it is progress not perfection.” I still make mistakes and sometimes old behaviors come out.

    I have found that even though Steps 5 and 6 of A.A. talk about our HP removing our defects of character. I still have character defects. But there are many that have receeded into or gone away. I just don’t get to pick and choose. I am glad I don’t get to choose as I would have trouble figuring out which one was most important to get rid of.

    I do find Step 10 useful, “Continued to take personally inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” Step 10 brings my character defects to light for me. This helps me to be more aware of the problem which allows me to become more able to recognize what I am doing and head it off. When I fail to head it off I am able to sincerely admit that I was wrong. This helps to remind me I am not perfect.

    Life is a continued learning process. We didn’t get this way overnight and we can not change overnight. A way for me to put it into perspective is to remember that I drank for 20 years, which reinforced some major character flaws. Every day that I am sober I am reinforcing the changing of those defect. At some point the reinforcement of change will win out as long as I continue to work for it.

    Don’t rush things, change happens in its own time. In the meantime, talk with your wife, be honest, let her know how frustrated you are with yourself when you do those things. Reassure her that you are working on changing those behaviors. Then try and keep that in the front of your mind so that when the situation arises where you would exhibit that behavior you will be more likely to stop before the behavior shows its ugly head.

    Hang in their. Even after 7 years of sobriety I still have my fair share of character defect. But I am definately more sane that I was before. The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.” It doesn’t sound like you are expecting different results so you are a little more sane than you were before. That is progress.

    #164811
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    [QYOTE] is there no end to this madness?

    there’s no end to working a program.
    this whole thread kinda proves it.
    thanks for that.

    #164810
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you everybody!

    Ed Williams

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