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    hi 12 Step National Meetings

    i promised me and here that i would be totally honest about my recovery and i sorta decided that i’d keep a diary on here so after three good days on the presribed dtox – i thought i was doing well enough to start posting -i’ve always felt weird about talking so much so early on esp when others wait or so it seems to have at least a few days under their belts first…
    well… i slipped yesterday – had a few lines of gear – just a little toot but oh so much regret..
    i got thru 3 days on the methadone as prescribed and was doin ok if a bit emotional … then i allowed things to get the better of me…
    yesterday the 15th was my natural(i’m adopted) mothers birthday.. i don’t see her as she lives in Africa and we also fell out quite badly last time we spoke..
    so i thought that if i phoned my gran i’d find out if she was either in Africa still or back here in the UK…. and then i could wish her happy birthday and try to repair our relationship a little ..
    i should add that a number of big family events have happened in the last few yrs (eg my mum having kidney failure ) and each time i have been left out of the loop – which really hurt me so… i had asked if in the future someone could please pick up the phone.. i also have been the one to make contact pretty much the whole way in our relationship since we met when i was fifteen… this next bit sucked ..
    So i call my grandmother and she tells me that she has just been discharged from hospital – so thinking that it must have been something small(cos they hadn’t phoned…) i then asked what she was in there for..
    she’d had a fairly major STROKE LAST SUNDAY, had THEN had the arteries in her neck opened and cleaned IN A SEPERATE SURGERY as they were so badly clogged she was only getting 30% of the oxygen she should! i nearly lost her and noone called..
    – she is barely able to speak and is paralysed on her right side although the good news is she is improving – thank god.
    and what did i do? :c020:
    went to see some people to get out the house and while i was there the idiot fuckup that i am had a few lines off someone elses bag on the foil.. i asked…
    its selfish behaviour like this that is part of the reason i dont see my family to begin with -the main bit being i wont inflict me on them as an addict
    soo i am feeling like the devils daughter..
    so screwed up that i thought that gear would be any kind of relief…
    what it has done is bring sharply back into focus on what i’m doing
    i get my methadone halved tomorrow and the codeine introduced to supplement the taper – so i’m not going to sway any further – i will get through this and then perhaps i can actually be back in my family
    i didnt mean to vent so much its just i dont really have anywhere else to share at the moment – i mean my doctors great but he’s not a counselor.. mayb i need tht as well i dont know right now
    i am just pretty digusted at myself for not being strong for my grandmother sorry this isnt such a great post but thanks and thankful i have here

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