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    I hear “as long as I didn’t use, it was a good day”… I don’t think that’s true for me. I can have a pretty ****** day without using. Granted, using will just make things worse, but I figure, let’s not pretend that recovery is all peaches and roses. I didn’t use the day my daughter was stillborn (I didn’t use during my pregnancy. I was not in recovery, but I was in the hospital after childbirth, hemorrhage, and a blood transfusion, so I didn”t use that day.) and that was the worst day of my life.

    So now, I am having some health problems. Can’t get to a doctor quite yet (need to find an new one, old one dumped me), and don’t know what’s wrong, but I’ve been gagging on everything I eat, making it really uncomfortable, and I always have this tight knot in my throat for like 2 weeks now. I stupidly looked up my symptoms on the internet, and found a story of a guy with all my symptoms who found he had stage 4 stomach cancer. They had to remove his whole stomach, and he was given 6 months – a year to live. 🙁

    While I seriously doubt it’s stomach cancer and I don’t think I’m dying, I can’t help but worry about it, and also, the difficulty eating is making me cranky. I have lost 8 lbs, possibly more (I don’t have a scale right now, but it was 8 lbs last I checked).

    So, I have been feeling an urge to use to numb this pain and worry, but I know that is unproductive and just not an option. What I have been doing is ‘everything but’– in other words– I am acting on all my character defects (I am working on step 6, but my defects are so prominent right now I just can’t imagine giving them up) I am acting on my addiction in other ways such as compulsive spending, and I am just acting the way I do when I use.

    I need to get back on track and muddle through this, or I am going to end up using. 🙁

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