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- March 27, 2016 at 8:40 pm#38903AnonymousInactive
So, I was thinking today. I just completed step 4 and am learning to accept myself and let go of the past. One thing I am learning in AA is to not try and be the center of the world. Just try and be another member of society and always try and do the next right thing.
I have been having extreem lows for the past 3 years. My actions 4 and 5 years ago caused the consequences that happened to me 3 years ago. So, for the past 3 years I’ve been struggling with punishing myself… In step 4 I am trying to let that go and move on. I will make my wrongs “right” through the ammends process…
Here is what I figured out today (and the point of this post – thanks for you patinece)… During my extreem highs 4 and 5 years ago I was just as sick as I am when going through my low’s. In other words, the cockiness I exhibited then, is raised out of the same symptom that the low’s come from (FEAR, FEAR, AND MORE EFFING FEAR). This occured to me today because I was thinking about what my sponsor says. He says he doesn’t want to worry about wether he’s better than the person across from him or if he’s worse than the person accross from him. He just wants to be another dude in the world trying the best he can. I want that as well. The problem is, if I do that I will no longer be “better” than anyone else (which is a good thing) in my own mind. Which ultimately means I will no longer have the extreem highs (which is also a good thing).
So, when I was expreiencing cockiness, extreem self confidence, invicibility, etc… they were the same thing as when I have been expeirencing self hatred, self loathing, shame, anxiety, etc… Neither feeling is accurate or healthy. What a “freeing” throught. I will no longer strive to feel “on top of the world”. I just want to exist in reality. I need to keep in mind that I posses some positive attributes and some negative one’s. I am neither all good or all bad…
I drank the most when going through my high’s and low’s. If I were feeling “on top of the world” I’d get good and drunk to “celebrate”. If I were going through the extreem low’s I’d hide out in my house drinking alone – holding resentments, living in fear, hating myself, etc… Both extreem’s lead me to the bottle.
Step 4 has been wonderful. I look forward to this road of recovery and love how little by little more is revealed to me.
Good luck all, thanks for listening to this rant…
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