Everything is spiraling out of control and I have no idea how to stop it. I go to meetings and I talk to my shrink and I say and I know all the right things but I feel like I can’t control anything I do, because I don’t really care enough to try.
I started drinking again. I just got out of rehab again I was in for 15 days. It’s not even just about the drinking anymore. Last night I had sex with two dudes in the same night, not really because I wanted to but because they wanted to and I was under the influence of alcohol so I just didn’t care. It actually hurt really badly and I’ve already done that with two other guys as well though those two were on separate nights. So I went from having sex with the one guy who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, having him end it & then to screwing 4 dudes that I didn’t know and had no feelings for at all what so ever. How the hell that happens is beyond me.
Like why I would have sex with random guys when I get pretty much no pleasure out of it is a question I can’t answer. I feel dirty and disgusting about last night. It was irresponsible, stupid and slutty. I didn’t get home till 6 in the morning and I have my first day at a new job at 11. So I’m sure that’s going to go really well…
I just don’t know what to do. The help is there and I’m trying to use it but until I start giving a f— about myself and having some self respect, I’m never going to get anywhere. I heard and said and did all that was wanted of me at rehab but I could tell it didn’t change anything cos the whole time I just knew I was going to drink but less and modify it and obviously OBVIOUSLY I can’t do that.