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    Hey everyone…. what’s up.

    I just wanted to jump on here and throw a post out at 5:16 AM.

    I culminated a relapse with a “ten ounce” beer this week. I manipulated my girlfriend into letting me have one. I thought I did good: I saved it until the end, after my steak, and sipped it. “Cherished” it.

    My girl said she would not allow me to drink ever again if I “overindulged”/relapsed/binged after that. Well, she left to go home four hours away and a day later I was walking home from work (no license due to DUI) and decided well, I handled a ten ouncer, why not a six pack. And I’ll play guitar and be constructive.

    Long story short, that six pack turned into a 20 pack of Budweiser and I drank roughly 16 beers. Called my girl several times. She knows this behavior. Knew I was drunk. Upset and would not talk to me Saturday.

    Well, Friday while I was drinking I also started fiending for cocaine. I’m an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I can’t consume alcohol without cocaine anymore. I blew my dealer’s number up like crazy. Like a typical addict/fiend. No response. Well, Saturday I wake up and am slightly (insanely less than usual) ashamed at my actions. I clean my studio up and place the rest of the 20 pack next to my trash. Had like seven left. I worked Saturday from 11 PM to 2 AM and then came home and slept.

    Well, I wake up Sunday and proceed to start drinking within hours of waking up. The “seven” beers I had left. I then start to feel incomplete and then start to call my dealer. I’d changed my number so he couldn’t get a hold of me but with me calling him drunk and fiending it was pointless.

    He finally delivers me cocaine and I sit on another 20 pack of Budweiser. My lover has blocked me from calling her and is fed up with my 200+ attempts at getting sober. She’s done. I don’t blame her.

    Now, at 5:25 AM, I sit here and contemplate just where I am in my addiction. The longest I’ve been sober is 3 months (out of several years) and my last time previous to this weekend using ended me up in the hospital as an overdose on Soma, prescription muscle relaxers.

    I told myself I would never put my body through the abuse of cocaine or drinking heavily again. And again, I failed.

    I am still in denial about addiction. I still want to be able to put drugs aside and have a beer here or there. Where’s that end me up? To this weekend, that’s where. A beer in the week led me to 40+ beers and an 8ball of blow. In fact I took it easy on the blow because of my financial situation and the fact that I know I’ve beat my body up.

    It’s just amazing what I do to myself.

    I tell myself I can relay all my obsession for drugs into positive channels, but eventually I lie to myself and think I can have a beer. A beer leads to a relapse of this weekend’s proportions.

    I had to get this out.

    I see a group called relapse prevention every week. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like I do not want to say anything to them. They need to know and honesty is my best policy, but I’m afraid of being looked down on.

    It always feels like one who’s trying to get clean (like me) gets ripped out and put down for not succeeding when I fail.

    I know I want a better life and it’s up to me to do it. I just am overwhelmed with my continuous years of failure. It sucks.

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