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- December 18, 2016 at 3:18 am#41087AnonymousInactive
Hey. Sorry for all the posts. But the big book says when we feel discontent it’s best to talk to someone sooner rather than later so here goes. I have been feeling this way all day. Basically it’s a wonderful event for the kids in my family. They will go and get a bag full or presents, we sing songs, see people we haven’t seen in a while, and it’s a very positive day. We have been doing this long before I was born.
What I am fearful of is I worked for one of the family members a year ago and quit due to not liking the job at all. I handled it fairly well, no outbursts, gave two week notice, sent a thank you letter, etc… but the person I worked for his nephew’s will be there and they are completely unpredictable – active addicts themselves. I am fearful that they will say something hurtful. I am also fearful for all of the other family members. I have gained about 30 pounds since last seeing most of these people (I did not go last year) and I really don’t want to hear any comments about my weight. I just feel like I am a freaking target walking in for multiple people to sit and takes shots at. I f’ing hate that. It’s been that way my entire life. I feel like my distant family members can be mean in a “joking” kind of way and I am not like. But I go and listen to it, sometimes I retaliate and other times I just take it.
Lost in all of my feelings are my kids. I tell them how wonderful this event is and ask if they are excited about getting presents, seeing family, etc.. I basically “sell” an event to my kids that I myself am scared to go to. I hope my higher power can be with me tomorrow. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe nobody will say anything stupid. What’s frustrating is I KNOW I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING STUPID. I never do. I am certainly not perfect, but I never try and hurt anyone’s feelings on purpose.
This is the dilema. Normally I feel like I have to be “on” for my distant family and god dangit I don’t feel like I need to be “on” right now. The Reggie that was always on, had a quick comeack, made light of hurtful comments went home and got hammered to deal with it. I now don’t have that possibility. I just want to be treated at least decent and don’t feel like dealing with the BS.
I am basically just sharing my emotions so they are not being held in. I felt like escaping today and am sure it’s due to this reunion tomorrow. I did not drink but I just feel life and not drinking are hard enough without putting myself on a target board for peopel to take shots at.
I am feeling so conflicted right now. I feel like I have all of this positive AA stuff in my head but the problem is the people I am going to see tomorrow do not. I will be so relived when tomorrow is over and I just pray that I may be able to enjoy it. I do not fear that my kids will be made fun of beacuse it’s never happened and boy if it did, I can assure you it would never happen again. I have just been the whipping boy for my family and I’m tired of it. I want to show them the love that the BB talks about and will try but my guard is up going in.
If you read this far, thank you. This forum helps me more than I can express. I am still nervous but such is life. I will face my fears tomorrow and see what happens. Man I have a lot of issues. No wonder I drank for so long!!!! Not anymore! Drinking will not fix any of my issues, it is but a symptom right? Off to bed. Goodnight everyone!!!
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