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- March 12, 2016 at 3:29 pm#38801AnonymousInactive
A couple of weeks ago I was very manic and was drinking heavily. Well I am better now. I have been sober for 2 weeks. Now I just have to deal with the triggers Yesterday I had to fight 2 triggers.
Some of my triggers are different. One minute I am fine the next minute something just triggers. Yesterday I was watching VH1’s 40 Greatest Hard Rock Songs. After listening to all those songs and watching the video’s I was pumped and ready to party.
I fought the urge and won.
Then later I had to go outside to get something. It was misty, a little foggy and wet outside. There was a nice breeze out side. The kind of breeze that lets you know that spring is coming. In that type of weather I usually like to drink, smoke p0t and walk and just think of the good and bad things of my life.
I was able to fight the urge and win again. I am not looking forward to these urges again.
I have a cycle of binge drinking that I hope to break someday. I do believe the binge drinking is stress related. I have not been drinking for only 2 weeks so right now I am pretty strong and able to fight the urges but as the weeks turn in to months I get weaker and my stress level rises and the urges become harder and harder to fight.
The thing that p1sses me off the most is that alcohol and getting sloppy drunk does relief some stress. Of course it comes back but at least it relieves the stress for a while. On the last binge I had 10 stressful things going on. Then one day I just snapped and did nothing but ruin my life for the next month. I sincerely believe that other people could have handled the stress I was under much better but I am sincerely not that strong.
And of course after the binging I have to fix the things that I broke. Usually my relationship with my wife, save more money because when I drink I waste money. But that is only the tip of the things that I have to fix. I can not control my drinking and when I drink I am out of control. I will just drink until I pass out.
When I used to drink but was not manic. I was in control but I would drink daily and nightly. I did not party and I drank at home. I was still able to save money because I brought the cheapest beer I could find.
I was slowing running my relationship with my wife and child.
For the longest time if drinking was not involved I would not want to do it. If we would go to a friend’s house I would not go if there was no alcohol. If we went to a family gathering I did my best to find a way to drink. My family doest (except for my brother) drink so he and I would try our hardest to find a way to drink. Sometimes it would work and sometimes it would not work.
If I did not drink at the family get together I would make sure to cut it short so I could go and drink. In fact if drinking was not involved I would always find a way to cut the get together short and go drink.
My wife’s family is not so much against drinking so I liked hanging around with them more.
Every extra day off was just another reason to drink. When I had a weekday off I was happy because I still wake up early but I would just start drinking smoking p0t at 8:00. Weekends I would start drinking between 11:00 and 1:00.
Heck I remember times when I used to carry a flask around (even at work).
Bottom line I still like to drink but I know I can’t. Sincerely I’m not saying my life is happier without drinking. I would love to drink and party but that would mean I have to choose between drinking any my family. And my family is more important. But dinking is not far behind them. Isn’t that sad?
Make no mistake I love my family very much and that is the only reason I do not drink and party.
I could go on but I will stop.
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