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    I’ve got a pill problem, an addiction that’s gone on since middle school. That makes it thirteen years.

    It’s not a conventional addiction, if there’s such a thing. It isn’t the effect I’m looking for; I simply don’t care what I take. If I see a pill, I take it. It doesn’t matter what it is, whether I know or not what it is, or I DO know what it is and that it causes problems.

    Throughout high school I took Benadryl to sleep. Only very recently have I realized I’ve used it because it induces a sort of drunken feeling. I’m so past the point of getting the correct effect that I don’t even know if it EVER helped me sleep in the first place. I don’t take it anymore. There were also diet pills in high school that gave me severe tachycardia (racing heart), shortness of breath and insomnia. I despised that effect. I took them every so often, though, just because I saw them when I went to get gas (fuel, not Taco Bell).

    When I started working at my last job, a veterinary clinic, I had easy access to Ultram (tramadol). I took it once for a headache, and that was all it took. I kept taking ever-increasing amounts until a night months later when my heart nearly stopped.

    I’ve been on medication for bipolar disorder for years now. Seven days ago I took ten Excedrin (which I’ve been taking just for the sake of taking). No reason, I was just sitting around, and they were there. I went into the bathroom on the way to bed and ate six melatonin, a sleep hormone. Hormone overdose can be deadly, so it wasn’t the greatest idea, but hey. I’m apparently not the most logical man on the planet.

    Last night, having ditched all of the non-prescription pills in the house, I took eight Lamictal, a mood stabilizer and anti-seizure medication (I use it for mood stabilization). I’m prescribed 300 mg. a day; I took 800 last night. An ambulance had to come. My heart nearly stopped, I was incoherent and I was at high risk for a seizure.

    I didn’t do it to get high. I just did it because they were there.

    I need help. I don’t want to live like this, and if it keeps going this way, I won’t live much longer anyway. I don’t want to die, nor do I want to hurt myself. I’m in a generally good mood as long as I have access to corny horror movies and popcorn, and I don’t have to watch soap operas at work because the boss loves them.

    I’ve come here because I know I’m not the only one. I hope I can find ways to get help, and to end this cycle. It being a wonder I’m alive today, I think it’s probably time to take care of this.


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