Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #30951
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I actually have good news!

    This weekend I told my family about my relapse and they have been very supportive and they didn’t yell or get angry or any of the other things i feared. Of course, there are certain things I have to do to gain there trust back.

    I’ve not used coke in 4 days–my butt is draging but hopefully that will get better.

    Tonight, my husband and daughter & son-in-law all went outside and played basketball. (Whew….am i out of shape.) We’ve all agreeded to do more things together because I wanted to isolate to do my drugs — so that’s a really neat thing that has come from this whole thing. Another is that we’re going to try to find a church to go to…..the one we are considering is very contemporary and doesn’t start until 11:00…which is great for me since i’m not a morning person.

    I have money restrictions, my husband gives me $5 or $6 a day — that sucks! I do understand but i can’t live with that forever. i work too hard and i’m not going to have zero assest to money forever! Money always seems to be the one thing that will break up a family….i don’t won’t that and have promised to give that time.

    I still plan on staying on the clonzapam as my doctor prescribes, i’ll just need to take as prescribed so i won’t run out which is what usually happens.

    Its been very hard, I crave doing the coke–think about it all the time, but i just don’t have any money and i don’t have anything to sell to get money. the drug dealer has called me several times but since he won’t give it to me for free i suppose he is helping without knowing it.

    i hope i can make it. I still think about it all the time and i do tend to want to be alone and my mind does keep searching for ways to come up with money to buy….i won’t lie to you about that. i still want it.

    does that ever go away?

    I do have a question, because i have not had any horrible things happen to me (or maybe hit rock bottom as some would say), no jail, not homeless, no seizures……do you think i have less of a chance of making it?

    You would think losing a son to drugs would be so horrible that i would never want to touch the stuff but sadly enough it hasn’t pulled me away from drugs. And…i guess that’s part of the insanity of it all!

    Anyway….i hope i can reconnect with God, because i know deep down inside that i have to believe that there is a higher power that can handle it, because i sure can’t and my family can’t do it for me.

    Thanks for listening.

    #160235
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I lost my son to an accidental overdose 16 months ago. I did massive quantities thinking that I could go find him somehowHow sick was that? I still crave it want it and sometimes I will catch myself trying to find a way to get it. I’ve been told that it never completely leaves you due to be born with that addictive gene. On the other hand we can learn to manage the cravings down to a size that is not all consuming. I’ve done drugs for almost 30 years and I thought that nothing bad was going to happen to me in the way of my health. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought about my 19 year old son dying of an overdose. Or think about me walking ion his bedroom and seeing the vomit running down his cheeks. I never thought that I would hold my son in my arms and not feel his return hug. But I did and I feel that I am responsible…I don’t think that he would have ever tried the stuff if he hadn’t been exposed to it by his own Mother. I am the one that brought him in this world and I’ll be dam**d if I wasn’t resonsible for his leaving. I have to live with that knowledge every day…I live and he is dead….I did drugs for so long and refused to get help because nothing bad happened to me….You’ll be fine eventually…stick it out. There is so much more to do than feel all wired and then crash for 3-4 days not knowing if your kids are fed right and going to scholl and doing their homework. My family stuck by me and for that I am truly grateful. I am also grateful for the 12 steps and the 12 Step National Meetings folks. There are some wonderful people here that will embrace you over and over….Here is a hug for starters….Please don’t use just for today. Viki

    #160226
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    (((((((((((((((Movin On)))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((Viki))))))))))))))))
    Hugs for you both. I’m so very sorry for your losses. But you CAN get clean, lose the desire to use, and build a better life. I strongly recommend NA. It has kept me clean for 6+ years. But if you don’t do NA, please find some recovery program and stick with it. You’re both worth it. :Valdog:

    #160230
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Way to go MO!! :c043: :c011:

    It will get easier, and you will feel better, a little bit everyday. Go easy on yourself.

    #160231
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I know you can do it. I believe that thinking about your doc is extremely normal; I’d think it odd if you weren’t thinking about it this early in recovery. You’re doing it. Good for you!

    #160236
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Woo Hoo!!! This is my 6th day. Congrats!!!! ;o)

    #160228
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Movin … I don’t think it matters at all that if we hit bottom in a differant way than other people do … you have just as good a chance as anyone does of staying clean.

    Right now is the time to be hitting as many meetings as possible.
    I found that going to meetings really helped with the cravings
    and another thing that helped is to keep posting,keep the lines of communication wide open.

    …joe

    #160233
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    i agree with emmer, YOU will be exactly as successful as you choose to be……..this can be your turning point.

    you won’t be on money restriction forever, but for now that is probably a very very good thing, removing one temptation/trigger. see, at least for my recovery from crack, i had to ‘CRACK-PROOF’ my life…..make it as close to impossible to get as i could…..break off ties with the dealers…..NOT answer when they called……not have too much free time…….not allow a lot of stinking thinking…..and do NOT expect ANYONE else to protect my recovery or keep me away from drugs, that had to become MY # 1 priority….ask myself each day:

    WHAT AM I WILLING TO DO TO STAY CLEAN TODAY?
    and….
    WHAT WILL I DO?

    good luck, keep up the good work

    #160234
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    thanks for all the encourgement.

    viki i can so relate to what you’ve went through. the guilt. i am the one with the drug problem, not my husband, not my daughter. matt got his illness from me and i completely understand you feeling guilty. Matt died all alone in his car….i was just minutes away yet had no idea he was dying. i will never forgive myself (and) continue to struggle with anger toward God because i know He could have stopped it. I too have taken drugs all my life….much worse than what he consumed! I guess that the only comfort that i have is that i do believe in heaven and i believe he is in a much better place right now. i believe he probably would have stuggled with addiction for a long time and at least he has been spared that pain.

    I didn’t use coke today but horrible things keep coming into my mind about money and how i just need one last good blow out before staying clean. this is going to be the perfect weekend to do it — my family will all be gone — i’ll have the house to myself and i can just have that final blowout. Then the most horrible thoughts came to my mind and i don’t know what kind of person i am to think such things. I don’t know where it came from but i was sitting in my car during lunch and this passing thought came through my mind: well, God….you took my son….is my husband next? and then i started thinking about i’d have proceeds from life insurance money and i would have no one to answer to and i could just grieve and drug it up. how sick is that? i love my husband and i don’t want to have another loss — my mom’s gone, dad is gone…..i need my husband. the thought just came from no where and i just don’t know how i could have ever (even for a moment) thought that. i was actually thinking more about the access to money and drugs and no one to answer to than my own husband’s death! That’s just sick.

    i have been racking my brain to try to think of a way to come up with money before this weekend. i just started in my recovery, my god! but to me it just seems logical that this being the last real time i could do it — well it’s okay. IT’S NOT OKAY.

    i can’t get this weekend off my mind. that’s scares me because as i said earlier i wonder just how bad do i want this recovery. it’s obvious that i can’t keep my family and use and that in itself really should be enough incentive to stop. I don’t think i care enough about myself to stop, because as i said if i had no one to answer to and the money, i’d do it. So God gives me a wonderful family to be accountable to…I am very blessed!

    so….i’m frustrated with my entire thought process right now. i know it’s sick, it’s not normal and it questions my commentment to recovery.

    i promise you that i have prayed that God just deliver me from the desire to use (because, again, I feel like He could) so that i can be normal. do normal things and be happy. I know it’s early but i just can’t reason that going to AA & NA & 12 step group meetings is going to bring me happiness.

    I’m not quiting but i really do need to get through this weekend with a clear head and I’d like to physically feel good too.

    i’m shutting up…..i feel like i’m bitching when i should be feeling happy.

    #160229
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Movin … I know exactly what you mean about one last blow out …
    I was thinking about that and did it .. yep ! I ended up in emergency at the hospital.

    This temptation to get loaded one more time will not end if you get loaded, it will never go way.
    If you chose too then a few hrs later you’ll be thinking about when the next
    -one more time- will be, and so on.

    Your doing great by talking about your true feelings and being honest …not all of us are able to do this.
    I way really worried about not ever using again when i first got clean but as someone told me… Don;t worry about that now, take it ~one day a time~

    ….Joe

    #160232
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Moving; all your thoughts are completely normal; I’ve had some sick ones too. Promise you won’t tell, lol? I took cookie money from my gs troop to buy drugs. (I eventually made good on it, I felt so terrible)

    Emmer, wonderful insight, as always.

    #160225
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    {{Movin On}} YAY!! Your doing it!!:dance8:

    I isolated while using too and to re-connect with my family again was the most amazing thing ever! We played together and started taking long hikes, picnics, movie nights, etc…It is a blessing to be surrounded by all that love!
    We all need time to ourselves though so be sure to find some healthy ways to relax on your own such as reading or crafting.

    That is wonderful that you are re-connecting with God again too, although I believe He is always with us just waiting for a chance to be invited back into our lives.
    Take care and keep hanging in there!
    Jane

    #160227
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Keep coming back! You dont have to reach bottoms that others do. Because you werent locked in jail doesnt me you ever have to use again. The drugs created a jail themselve worse than any institution.

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