- This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 1, 2013 at 6:29 pm#30869AnonymousInactive
My apologies to the few of you who asked after my well being. I failed to respond. I need to let you know what is going on.
My dependency on pills began as a result of very real, very organic and unarguably ongoing pain. I made the choice in January to abstain from both narcotics and Ultram because, as a recovering alcoholic of long standing, I began to recognize a pattern of abuse.
Recently, the pain I had been going through spiked, coupled with a new issue involving my knee. I had a consultation with the health care practitioner who knows me well and saw me through my January withdrawal. I also saw an orthopedic specialist and followed, religiously, his direction to lose weight, secure an orthotic for my shoes and wear a knee brace.
However, in order to make the pain somewhat manageable, I have chosen to once again take the pills which caused me so much anguish. This was after trying other medicine alternatives which were ineffective. The decision was not entered into lightly, and not without much discussion with my P.A. and my partner.
I cannot honestly say I have not enjoyed some of the high associated with the medication. I have, as it is in my nature. However, I have stayed within the prescribed parameters…well, after once taking an extra the second day. I don’t exceed the prescribed dose.
I have not posted this for two reasons: 1) there is an intrinsic guilt for me in using these medications, since there is an attached high. It’s dangerous and I don’t want anyone here to somehow find permission in my choice to use the medication.
2) There are a couple of people here who might have responded harshly and I just didn’t have it in me to engage in rhetoric when the pain and the decision were enough for me to handle.
In leaving the forum, or at least responding only briefly and occasionally, I left a couple of people in the lurch. I also failed to keep a promise to one member who needed my help. That was not my intention, I just needed to cocoon myself for a time.
I do not know what my intent will be here. I am wrestling with what real ESH I can provide. I consider myself to be actively using, since there are few here that are more hard-line than I. But I stress that I am not abusing. So that’s where I waver.
I know this is long and I have no intent to bore you further. Again, my thanks to those of you who recognized my absence. To my friend “tops on the compass” whom I neglected: I am sorrier than you can imagine, I have not forgotten my promise to you and will follow through. Please “bear” with me today.
At last, the ironic closing line is back,
Da StagebearSeptember 1, 2013 at 6:36 pm#158750AnonymousInactive
I hear you so totally Bear!
It really sucks when you are AFRAID to post about what is going on with you isn’t it.??
I totally understand…pain can drive a person to do what they need to do. And that goes for emotional pain too. Pain above the neck people sometimes diesregard as somehow not valid.
I am glad you trusted some of us enoguht to post…I know the guilt!!!.and really understand not wanting to post here too.
But I mean this IS a recovery site..we don’t all do it as “perfectly”..and neatly as some would prefer us to…
I am sooooo gald you are here and I love you!!
love northSeptember 2, 2013 at 1:17 am#158754AnonymousInactive
Pleaes dont feel like you will be judged. I have openly admitted how i relapsed again, and thats after liek 3 rehabs. I was on the tramadol, too. I was up to massive quanitites a day, and had a grand mal seizure. AT my sons ball game, they were terrified, and i was completely rigid, and shaking and urinated on myself. My husband and family were over me, crying and terrified. In the ambualnce it took me 10 tries to get the year right, and when asked about the president, i said Regan, and then Clinton, and finally Bush. Talk about humiliating. Anyway, despit all that i went on to use Darvocet, and here i am trying again to quit. I have started a thread too, (Lady Tenn) if you care to join me or help. You are loved, and this is a place for HELP and ADVICE. Dont feel bad, there are tons and tons just like you and me. :Val004:September 2, 2013 at 1:49 am#158751AnonymousInactive
You are da one and only bear!
I’m sorry you suffer with pain and I am pleased for you that you are able to find some relief. I am proud of you for not abusing the medication that you could so easily abuse.
Love ya bear xxxSeptember 2, 2013 at 5:56 am#158749AnonymousInactive
Bear…I am glad you are back and finding a way to deal with your pain. Sometimes we just gotta’ do what we gotta’ do in order to live a quality and productive life and from someone else who is on meds and what others might call “borderline clean”, I am sure you will find a way to offer support to those in need!
JaneSeptember 2, 2013 at 6:44 am#158752AnonymousInactive
Somewhere in the NA Literature, is says that when we share honestly with others the message of recovery always comes through. I appreciate your honesty and sincerely wish you well.September 2, 2013 at 11:47 am#158753AnonymousInactive
Thanks, everyone, for your considered responses. While I do not consider myself to be abusing drugs today, I am fully aware that it only takes one pill extra to cross that line. I don’t obsess over that, though. It is…what it is.
I hope to be able to provide feedback and support for others where appropriate. After all, every forum needs at least one grumpy old bear.
Happy to be among kindred spirits, I remain your humble servant,
Da StagebearSeptember 2, 2013 at 1:07 pm#158748AnonymousInactive
Thanks for the update Bear.
I have always appreciated the frankness in your posts and I see you can apply the same frankness and honesty to yourself.
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