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    Very hard day today. Getting closer to day 30 and I guess this is typical for my “alcoholic bi-polar cycle.”
    I went to my home group meeting this evening, then went out for coffee with my sponsor, and now venting here.
    The pink cloud is gone. I want to half blame my friend for exposing me to other alcoholics we used to hang out with while she’s in town, but in all honesty I had a choice. It creates so many mixed feelings; seeing how these people behave when very drunk makes me want to stay sober; yet the desire to drink still pounds my skull.
    Had a good meeting today, but left with the desire to drink. I’ve talked now with a number of people who are in my home group who share the same feeling. The meetings really do help but they can be triggering, especially the topics in the open discussion tonight.
    I’m going to stick with AA, I’ve never been totally sold on the idea but it really helps. I find myself wanting to poke holes in the ideology because it does help. Part of me wants it to be “the wrong thing” so I can go into denial and back into drinking.
    So…..I sit here going nuts with cravings but knowing drinking won’t help. Trusting that things will get better and wishing I had a shotgun to kill that stupid voice that says “you’ll always be a drunk.”
    I will fall asleep, I will get through tomorrow, and the next day.
    It just sucks right now. Really sucks.
    Day 23

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