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  • #31106
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Apologies if this is a bit long, I am just trying to capture the feelings I have when recovering from binge drinking….

    Sunday the 23rd of September 2007 is the last day I will ever drink alcohol; I ended up going to sleep at about midnight…. It was the end of a routine 50 hour weekend bender where I drank over 2 cartons of beer and a bottle of spirits amongst about 10 hours sleep…. Now 4 days have passed and it scares the hell out of me that I can drink that much and I feel doing this every weekend is going to kill me soon…. When I drink I can’t stop at one, it is like I intentionally try and blackout, it is rare that I remember much of the night when I go out….

    Since I woke on Monday morning I have had a pretty average time of it, however all the feelings I have experienced I have historically put down to being hungover and not because I am actually withdrawing from alcohol, however after reading many of these passages, I am starting to think maybe it is both hangover and withdrawal…. (Would appreciate any feedback on this???)

    Monday (Day 1) –
    I stayed at home all day except for going to the DVD shop, I was experiencing heart palpitations for much of the day, at their worst my heart was beating over 200 times a minute, it scared the hell out of me and was accompanied by intense anxiety which I was only able to combat by lying there convincing myself that I don’t care if I die and breathing deeply…. It seems to take the anxiety away for some reason….
    The entire day I was shaking, in a way that seemed to be my body’s mechanism for disguising my racing heart…. If I shake then I don’t notice my racing heart and if I don’t notice my racing heart then I don’t get anxious….

    I was depressed, often having tears in my eyes as I couldn’t believe that I continue to punish myself, at the time it is like there is part of me that hates me and wants to hurt me and then there is part of me who loves me and wants it to stop…. I also felt an intense feeling of everyone I know being disgusted in my behaviour and that I just wanted to run away and escape….

    The whole day seemed a blur and by the evening I could only remember a few details of the day… My brain certainly wasn’t functioning properly and I found it really difficult to concentrate… I drifted in and out of sleep for much of the day and that night I had a very deep sleep and would have slept for 9 hours….
    As expected I was also really dehydrated, my lips, eyes, fingers, skin were all really dry, I was drinking many litres of water but not really using the bathroom except on a couple of occasions….

    Tuesday (Day 2) –
    I awoke and decided to not go to work as after being awake for about 5 minutes I began to feel really anxious again… The symptoms were very consistent with the previous day, if anything though I felt a little bit more alert, but there wouldn’t have been too much difference…. Most of the day was a blur and I stayed in bed with the exception of a trip to the DVD store… Found I was eating heaps of food though…. However was still drinking heaps of water, but still very dehydrated…

    Wednesday (Day 3) –
    I awoke this morning after having 9 hours solid sleep, the first thing I noticed when I woke was my heart beating slowly and I found this really comforting… I lay in bed for half an hour just relaxing, it felt like the worst of it was over…
    I was still really dehydrated and am still drinking heaps of water, but am still rarely using the bathroom…

    I went to work and was still very distant, struggling to be my usual self, having difficulty comprehending things that would normally be easy to decipher. I found making conversation a chore, when I usually enjoy talking with people, and was very paranoid about the way people were behaving towards me. I felt that if anything went slightly wrong it would really freak me out…

    The scary thing about today is reflecting on the week I really don’t have much recollection about what I have done on Monday and Tuesday… I am sitting at my computer typing this and I am still shaking, however am starting to feel much more alert and am actually thinking about life again…

    Thursday (Day 4)
    Still a little anxious during parts of the day, but starting to feel better except just feeling tired, which may be as I am a bit more relaxed… My body is functioning normally again, I am feeling rehydrated and am able to talk with people properly again, no more paranoia and have a more positive outlook on things…. To be honest as I type this I am almost feeling ‘normal’ again…. I never want to go through the last 4 days ever again….

    Overall, reflecting on my life since last Friday evening when I eased into my first beer, I feel I have had minimal control, which is a very scary thought… I was drunk all weekend; all my decisions were based around me getting more intoxicated… Then coming back to earth on Monday, all the decisions from Monday until now have been about preventing myself from feeling terrible because of the alcohol I drank…. What a way to live, a slave to alcohol and binge drinking….

    #164130
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Welcome …:)

    Sounds as tho the idea to not drink again is wise.
    How do you plan to avoid another drunk?

    Come on down to the main Alcoholism
    page for support and information.
    🙂 Glad to see you here with us

    #164138
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    About 4 months ago when I first admitted to myself that there may be a problem I packed up and went interstate to stay with my family and told them and everyone else that I plan to stop drinking…. It was really hard for the first couple of weekends, but I kept busy and it became easier…. The problem was everyone I knew was saying that i dont really have a problem and that I will be fine if I have a few drinks, just be sensible… So after a month of not drinking I had a good mates 30th and treated myself to a few beverages (About 20 beers), i was pretty intoxicated but remembered the whole night…. I managed to justify my drinking and thought as long as I remember what I am doing I will be fine… It only took a few weekends of this before I was back to my worst again…

    I have my family coming to stay with me in 6 days time, so I plan to keep busy until then and stay away from temptation… Tomorrow night is Friday night, which will be my first big test, my plan is to buy some yummy food and sit at home on this website for the evening, a plan that I am looking forward to, then on Saturday I am going to hang out with a lady friend and do non drinking things, Sunday I might go bushwalking and just get out of the house…. I will be ok if I can make it to Monday, the weekends are the killer for me, I just need to make it through this one and then I will see my family next weekend…

    I have thought about AA, but I dont know if it is for me as yet, I am still convinced that because I stopped for a month earlier this year, once I get started I can do it again, only this time I wont listen to people or myself convincing me that I dont have a problem and will be ok…. I am lucky that I can keep busy with my work during the week and lose the desire to drink….

    If I am unsuccessful this time I will look up AA, but I have already had to turned down a number of opportunities for a couple with my mates this weekend, each time I say “No, I don’t drink anymore” it makes me feel stronger….

    12 Step National Meetings is excellent and I feel that with the support of this site and my own will power I will be able to continue my new life of sobriety….

    #164131
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Mashies….Hi again

    I moved your shares so more members will
    see and reply to you.

    :)Glad you are here with us

    #164134
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi and welcome. 12 Step National Meetings is a wonderful place to find support from those of us who have been in your shoes. Some of us have managed to stay sober today. Some are still trying to find their way. There are many avenues to recovery that are as unique as the individual. There are some who don’t do any type of program and just use 12 Step National Meetings for support, there are those who are in faith based recovery programs, there are of course AA people and then other programs as well. Some use cognitive based therapy.

    I can only speak for myself. AA is the avenue I chose but only after I had spent a year trying to do it on my own and having one failure after another. I had many, many lost weekends followed by many Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays sick as a dog, shaking, puking, lower stomach issues. Towards the end my kidneys started shutting down. I would drink tons of fluid with no output to speak of and was terribly swollen. I don’t think I would have lived much longer had I not quit when I did.

    Regardless of which method you use I hope you will stick with us here at 12 Step National Meetings and share your journey with us.

    Hugs,
    Kellye

    #164135
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Mashies and welcome!

    #164133
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, Mashies. Welcome.

    Like you, I could white-knuckle it through a month or so, sometimes longer, but I always returned to drinking. AA doesn’t have to be a last resort, and I hope you’ll check into it and decide if it’s right for you.

    Good luck with the few days you’ve put together, and keep coming around. A sober life is a good life.

    Peace & Love,
    Sugah

    #164132
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi and welcome!

    Recovery, no matter how you choose to do it, is better than drinking. Always. Sharing your recovery with other people is a source of strength, not a sign of weakness. Always.

    Glad you are here.

    #164136
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Welcome to 12 Step National Meetings Mashies, trust me when I say you are not alone, your experiences may not be identical to any ones here, but trust me, we can relate to all of the feelings, pain, shame, depression, etc. that goes with it.

    Please keep an open mind when it comes to this whole deal of staying sober, drop all pregudices and if you find that 12 Step National Meetings and your will power alone are not enough to pursue other avenues to long term sobriety.

    AA is what saved my life and sobriety once I got out of detox, there are other programs, pick one if you need to and go for it, work it hard, if it is not working, try another one.

    The only way you can fail at this is if you say to hell with it and quit trying to quit.

    I actually did come very close to failure on this, but I had a moment of clarity which allowed me to see into my future which was a slow and painful death from alcoholism, being a chicken crap when it comes to slow and painful deaths I went into detox and then to AA.

    #164137
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The problem was everyone I knew was saying that i dont really have a problem and that I will be fine if I have a few drinks, just be sensible…

    With the exception of my therapist and group therapy support, nearly everyone in my life is like that and it can be a very dangerous thing for me. I know for me changing families is not an option. I have to remain extra vigilant when it comes to my family and friends that truly don’t believe I have a problem. I learned that I have to listen to myself first and foremost.
    I am coming up on 8 months but I’ve quit before too on my own, quitting is the easy part, staying quit is a bit trickier and I learned Pride cometh before the fall
    I chose the route of therapy and group therapy along with Behavioral therapy, one thing I think most people would agree with (AA or non-AA) is that YOU DO not have to do this alone. For me it was an eye opener to really find that out. Whether it was calling someone from my group or talking to my therapist or even support forum like this one, I didn’t HAVE to do this alone, I don’t even remember why I wanted to do it alone to begin with.

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