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    So this weekend I ended up getting totally wasted and the whole time I was just talking to my friend about what makes him not an addict and me an addict. I ended up going on the entire night just having arguments to myself in my head trying to get past the reasons I drink and why other people think differently. It seems that the addict will always say, it’s no big deal, just drink and the non-addict will say to themselves it’s no big deal just DON’T drink. So really it’s the same argument just from different perspectives. I finally realized how to accept who I am, I have always thought of being a tall, white, blond haired, blue eyed, upper-class male as being a burden. I think this is why I always decided substance abuse wouldn’t really effect me and I would have to royally mess up before anything really bad happened to my life. After thinking this I realized that my life is pretty darn good and substance abuse is just because I get bored of my good life. After realizing this I realized that I get bored because I never knew how to strive to gain a higher quality of life and just decided to get high instead. I now realize that in order to not want to get high/drunk, I need to have other passions in life that aren’t getting high. I have never been the passionate type, always just been lazy and gotten by with the bare minimum, but now I see that it takes a genuine interest in doing something besides just the bare minimum for survival, because if you do that you are not going to know what to do to enjoy yourself besides get under the influence(which everyone enjoys, even non-addicts, they just enjoy other things MORE, which I never did). This is a HUGE epiphany for me and I honestly think it was the turning point of my addiction. I have a sticker on my computer that says, “strive for a higher quality of life” because I think that is the key thing I need to do in order to not want to get high. How do I gain this higher quality of life? I’m not sure, I like golf and swimming and I think that if I just go do those things anytime I feel bored, and do them until I am no longer bored, I will not have such a strong desire to use. It’s not that these things are going to consume ALL my time, I will always have time to get high, but if I am interested in other things, I could think about them, read about them, do them etc. instead of thinking about getting high, reading about getting high, and getting high, like I have done in the past. I really hope I don’t forget this, although I don’t think I will be able to because these thoughts are so powerful to me. I haven’t used and really haven’t even had the desire to use since Friday when I did this, which is a first for me. It really is, I’ve never not had the desire to use for even a day. So hopefully I will be able to continue on this path and become a person of substance who has a higher quality of life and is able to get enjoyment out of things that don’t cost anything moneywise or get me high. I see now that it is NOT a way to live just enjoying being high, which I used to think had nothing wrong with it. If I’m going to live a hearty, long life I need to realize that drugs and alcohol are not only not the way to do that but they are really the only thing that can screw it up. Also, if you’ll notice, I haven’t mentioned any higher powers because I don’t believe in any and this is how I see it, I need to do it for myself because I love myself and who I am and strive to be. I hope you guys understand what I’m trying to say because it’s an extremely complex idea and I suck at writing stuff. I’d like to hear your guys ideas on this too.

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