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    I have been hearing alot about hitting the bottom and then maybe smartening up.I thought my bottom was this time last year. Ive never told anyone this (not a soul)so not being one for baby steps Im posting it online. It was a huge dinner party where I was to meet my significant others entire family.I was the normal nervous but not very and not yet running to the bottle every time a cloud passed by.I wasnt wishing for a drink is what I mean.After being there for awhile I just began to feel amazed at first, these people were so happy, so tight, so caring towards eachother, no fighting, no wayward hands to be on guard for etc. I hate to say “norman rockwell” but Im saying it anyway.And I thought I am REALLY going to apply myself to this relationship because this would be an amazing place to belong.But after a bit I started to feel something that I cant articulate, liken it to smothered or panicked or who knows what.I just had to get out of there, and quick.I left before dinner and on my long drive home alone I pulled off to a liquor store. I stayed in the parking lot guzzling straight vodka, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, here was everything I could want and I was burning rubber to get out.The booze was hitting and I wanted to get home while I still thought I could. It was the holidays and there wasnt many other places to go, except down in the “dregs”and I didnt want to go there..Bob Marley was singing “3 little birds”on the cd player and the red and blue were in my rearview.I ended up being booked by an officer I used to train with(was gonna be a cop in another life)It was believe it or not my 1st time driving while drinking and honestly it was the last. Im not one to want to roam when indulging, or destructing, whatever.The judge said she was surprised I was alive, I was 4x’s over by the time I was tested at the jail, she offered me rehab in lieu of guilty but I was guilty and pleaded so.Anyways I hit it pretty hard after that, there of course have been alot of other reprocussions because of my poor decisions but nothing near to that.I usually disappear for a few days and then live healthy for awhile, then back on it for a few days.At the beginning of this month I think I had a seizure while on a bender and the right side pain hurts, so Im trying to stop.I do feel physically better and happier but its a rollercoaster, strong and weak, menatlly I mean. How nice it would be to slip away for awhile and how desperately horrible it would be as well.I guess what Im wondering, to make a long story even longer, I said Im done but Im not sure I believe me,I mean that experience last year in my opinion was my bottom but I just kept going past it, does there have to be another bottom-bottom experience to be sure of yourself?

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