- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
- December 4, 2015 at 5:31 pm#38054AnonymousInactive
Basically, my life is in a shambles. I’ve spent the past week in a drinking binge and an absolutely crazy codependent mire (holding steady and sober today). Now I am to make me #1. I do not know how to do this. I have never been #1. I hate the drinking, I hate the smoking. I have spent this entire friggin year battling this along with several DSM 1V diagnoses. Now I am to be tested for ADHD but I don’t know what I did with the referral piece of paper with the phone numbers. ADHD would explain a lot.
In the course of one week I’ve realized I have to detach from one of two friends here. So I am detaching. This morning I got dumped by friend #2 for the same reason I suppose I am having to detach from friend #1 – I am not healthy for this person, even though she has her own drinking issue. The least she could have done was to send me an email saying she couldn’t make our plans today, but I digress. Apparently I do not even merit a proper cancellation. Giant loser here.
I am considering ANOTHER shot at AA, as it is widely available. However, there is a problem here. I do not believe in the program. I think the Big Book as it was written for the time was appropos. The fundamental principles still hold mostly true, or should I say the slogans like First Things First, Take It Easy, A Day at a Time. That is where it pretty much stops for me. So if I go to AA I am not going to fit in I am thinking. I will be honest and say I don’t want to do the program, I just want to meet people, but somehow I think this won’t go over well and could backfire on me horribly. Is it possible I can find people there who will accept me as I am? I am happy the program works for so many, but I am only interested in getting to know fellow strugglers.
I go to a great Women for Sobriety group but it only meets once a week, it’s far away, and everyone lives far away. I’ve tried SMART and may again, but again, meetings few and far between and far away. AA is very close to me and since I don’t like to drive, it would seem the logical choice.
At times I think I will never conquer these demons. Still, I cannot give up. I hate that my whole life has been ruled by addictions and mental health issues.
On the bright side, I have a roof over my head, a great education, I am not broke, etc. On what I will call the “yet side,” there are DUIs to be had (never had one, not that I haven’t deserved plenty), hospitalizations to be had, the psych ward to be had and probably a couple of things I am not thinking of. I don’t want to die of this stuff and I include my smoking up there on the list with the drinking. Both shorten life spans. I realize I have a lousy prognosis what with both the alcohol and psychiatric stuff going on, but I still cannot give up the fight. Yes, I do have a lot of insight into my condition which is both good and bad. I will add my house is a disaster and I cannot get myself to even make a stab at it. Maybe someone has some thoughts as to what to tackle first, as everything is coming at me in my head at the same time. I rarely leave the house and have taken to wearing what I call my “uniform” 24/7. Showers? Pfft. They are for people who have to leave their house. I am really trying to NOT go get a bottle of wine today. And now I am really rambling.
Anyway, I’d post this in newcomers but I realize I am writing a mini-novel so I figured best I post here. And I apologize for the length of this, but there is so much in my head it is ready to explode. Thanks for reading and letting me share.
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