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    Hello: I am 19 years in recovery and active in AA. My husband has 14 years but has drifted away from meetings the last 2 years. Now, he comes home and says he wants out of our marriage. Then, he finds old friends in Oklahoma from high school (still using). Then, he finds a big, heavy woman who is an old friend of his. He has gone to stay with her for 2 days and now 10 days. He is coming home tomorrow. He refuses to talk to anyone with good recovery. He even dumped his best friend who tried to tell him to take his time and not jump into this decision.

    We have had 14 wonderful years together. We started as friends. We will be married 7 years in Oct. We dated 7 years and discussed our age difference, kids, etc. Now, he says he wants a wife his age to grow old with and a baby (he never pays attention to kids). He says he doesn’t want to watch me get older and die someday. He even wants me to keep his dog who is 9. This dog is like his child to him. Says he can’t watch her grow old and die either.

    He has said some horrible things to me. Very cruel and hurtful. I don’t want to be a doormat to him either.

    How do I help him since he refuses AA, AA friends and counseling? I know this is an Alanon issue but as a recovering alcoholic, I don’t want to see him go back out and die.




    Rene? You know you can’t change him. Could anyone change you until you were ready to change?

    Whatever caused him to drift away from his recovery is in and on him. Sounds like he’s driven by fear of his own mortality.

    Here’s a caution for you — the resentment is in your words, and you can choose to keep your own recovery first or put your anger and your hurt ahead of it and follow him down.

    Whatever you do is up to you, but please don’t count on making him change in any way.

    Peace & Love,


    @rene109 1486958 wrote:

    How do I help him since he refuses AA, AA friends and counseling?

    You don’t, because you can’t! It’s not your choice. It’s his choice. Take care of yourself.

    @rene109 1486958 wrote:

    I don’t want to see him go back out and die.Rene

    No, you probably don’t, but here again, it’s not your choice to make. And, just so you don’t forget, you aren’t God so you don’t have any control over what he does or what happens as a result of what he does. Again, take care of yourself. Do what you have to do for you.


    I can sort of relate to this because of something that’s happening in my own life.

    About a month ago I realized that my place was not so much in AA, but Al-anon. It was a good decision for me and since then I’ve tried to stay friends with the folks I met in AA, but sometimes it’s hard.

    For example one of my friends has close to a year sober, but over the last few months he seems to have gone into a serious downhill slide. We used to have cool conversations and support each other, but that’s really changed, especially recently. Now hanging out with him is exhausting. He’s got nothing but negativity and disturbing comments to offer and clearly needs therapy for issues beyond his alcoholism. I want to be supportive and a good friend but there are limits to how much I can be there for him and still remain sane myself.

    It sucks that it’s happening, but what can I do? A friendship, whether it was born in AA or not, is to be based on mutual enjoyment of each other’s company and that is definitely lacking from my end. It’s painful to have to turn away from a friend who is so obviously in need, but at the same time it’s just not healthy for me to stick around.

    He’s still sober at the moment, but I fear for both his sobriety and his sanity. Whether it’s a friend or your spouse, it’s a terrible thing to watch and know that there’s nothing you can do.

    I will pray for both him and your husband and I hope things work out for them.


    Hi Rene…:)
    I am sorry to see you dealing with this pain.

    We do have another Fourm for the
    Friends and Families of Alcoholics.
    Reading and posting there might be wise.


    I have no personal experience with your situation.
    I was divorced before my alcoholism started
    and have stayed that way in recovery.



    Rene tomorrow is a year for me so I really do not have any direct experience to share on this, the closest I can come is with my sonabout 6 months ago his wife called and said his drinking was getting out of control, what she described for the most part was me about 20 years ago.

    She asked me to talk to him, I told her that me talking to him was probably the worst thing I could do for him, I told her that the best thing I could do for him was to stay sober and active in AA. I suggested she go to alanon to prepare herself for what may come.

    Long story short a few months later he called me drunk telling me that he was an alcoholic, we spoke for a few minutes and then I told him if he really wanted to talk to call me in the morning when he was sober. He did and we talked at length, he has been sober since, he is not going to AA but he stopped at about the same stage in his disease as my dad did so he may not need AA like me who drank for 20 years longer then his grandfather.

    It is out of your hands as I am sure you know in your heart of hearts is true, let him do what he needs to do and watch out for your own sobriety through AA and Alanon. You will both be in my prayers.



    He has to be willing…just like we had to be willing and want this.

    What helped me was a person telling me to put that person on Gods choulders…and I get to curl up in God’s lap..The cautrion here is we do not get to look up God’s sleeve to see what he has planed.

    The othewr thing is “You may be the only Big Book others may read”…Our tradions state it is attraction rather than promotion…How I live, react, behave & live may be the only way some will hear there is a solution.

    Hugs and prayers to you my friend.

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