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- September 22, 2015 at 6:16 pm#37484AnonymousInactive
I used to drink 3 to 5 drinks and have fun, now I drink until I fall asleep, rarely smile when I drink. I used to have one cigar when drinking, now it’s a pack of smokes. I used to weigh 170, now it’s 250lbs. I used to work out daily, now I don’t at all. I used to excell at my job, now I just manage to get by. I used to smile a lot, now I don’t. I used to be optimistic, now I don’t see the point in life sometimes.
I feel ashamed, embarressed, terrified, scared, lonely, hopeless, a lot of the time. This from a person who used to have the world at his his / her hands. It’s crazy really. I wake up sometimes and I don’t understand how I got here. When I control how much I drink I don’t enjoy it, when I enjoy it, I can’t control it and round and round I go.
I think a huge portion of my problems can be cured by simply surendering…. but still I hold on. I hold onto the memories of times that were better, more fun, happier, more successful, younger… but they’re gone. Now drinking does not yeild the same results. Now it causes memory loss, weight gain, feeling unhealthy, shame, nervousness, arrogance, etc… The solution has become the problem.
I always have known I’ve had an issue with booze. I started counting my drinks at the age of 17. I have controlled it a various times in my life. Really lost control when I got divorced. Have been reeling ever since, trying to get it back under control. I’ll be fine for a week, then go back for 2 months. Then I’ll be clean for 2 weeks, then go back for six months… I am on a never ending merry go round that will only stop WHEN I DIE. I don’t want to die from the disease. I have a child and one on the way. But, I myself, am a child when drinking. Self obessed, self pity, self loathing, selfish, etc… I am all of them.
So, I move forward, day #2. Still feel like **** from my last bender. But I want what a lot of you have. A clear mind.
I remember such a happier life. I know life has amazing things to offer, but you need to be awake to do them. Drinking, has taken away almost everything I hold dear. I know in another year, it will take everythign else away. Please pray for me, and others like me out there. I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery. I’ll continue checking in if u don’t mind…
God bless and good luck!
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