- This topic has 17 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 12, 2013 at 7:38 pm#30963AnonymousInactive
Ok, I hope I’m not alone in this. I’m not a mean person! I consider myself very respectful, considerate, and sensitive to other people’s feelings. However, there have been more times than I can count that I said or done something mean and crazy towards somebody. It’s like the drunk part of me wants to take over and push everyone away and isolate the sober me. What th h*ll is that?? I don’t get it. I’ve never been physically abusive toward anyone and never have I been drunk around my daughter. How do I explain without trying to blame my actions on my addiction??? It makes me feel pretty lame I have to tell ya!!!!!! Any suggestions??September 12, 2013 at 7:48 pm#160394AnonymousInactive
While drinking I came to view myself as Dr. Jekyl and You Better Run and Hide, because I never knew who I would become when I was drinking. Most of the time I was kind and considerate but there were those insane times when I would become someone I hated, an angry, bitter, hateful person who did things that I knew were wrong. Towards the end of my drinking that person came out more and more frequently. It was especially hard on my children.
I have found for me the best way for me to make ammends for that behavior is to stay sober and keep working on becoming the person I know I can be. It has taken a while to build back the trust from people in my life, especially my children. My oldest daughter did not speak to me during the second year of my sobriety. Now we have a great relationship. One I never dreamed I was able to have.
I still occassionaly see parts of that darker side of me but have found that the more I work on my character defects the less power that has over me.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is all about growth. We have to realize that we are not perfect, never will be, and the best we can do is make progress toward becoming a better person.
As far as explaining it, there is no way to really explain it without bringing your addiction into it as it is a very real part of the behavior. If you were not in your addiction at the time then the behavior would not have been present. Just my two cents on it.September 12, 2013 at 7:53 pm#160395AnonymousInactive
I have no advice as Im currently trying to figure out the same thing. Just wanted to drop in and let you know you arent alone. Good luck, we can do this!September 12, 2013 at 8:03 pm#160396AnonymousInactive
I’m just down right ashamed of myself. My true friends that love and care about me know me for real and know I would never be like that. The people in my life that really don’t matter or I never mattered to them, well let’s just say I never knew them anyways and the “Damage Control” I would have to do is useless. Thanks for the support!! ;o)September 12, 2013 at 8:07 pm#160387AnonymousInactive
actions speak louder than words. do the next right thing..
hugs, kSeptember 12, 2013 at 8:38 pm#160384AnonymousInactive
With me? I had to have some sober time under my belt before I approached anyone, as I needed to show them that I was seriously and sincerely working on sobriety — and apologizing was out of the question. There had been way too many “I’m sorrys” in the past, and none of them wanted to hear it anymore. The amends I made/tried to make/continue to make to those I love and hurt were ones of action rather than words. The biggest amends I had to make was to my children — and I work on it every day by being sober.
Peace & Love,
SugahSeptember 12, 2013 at 8:52 pm#160390AnonymousInactive
Like others said. staying sober is the best initial amend. A frank talk about past behaviors can come later, if ever.September 12, 2013 at 9:56 pm#160392AnonymousInactive
For me, I started by just getting and staying sober, one day at a time.
After I had some time under my belt, I was able to show the people around me WITH MY ACTIONS that I had changed.
There were some instances in which I felt like I owed someone an actual apology, and in those cases, I made the apology after many months sober when I was working on my 9th step.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Repairing the damage of the past takes time, but it can be done. As I heard in a meeting once, “time takes time”. I know when I was first sober, I wanted everything to be “fixed” immediately….but it just took what it took. And it started with me staying sober.
Keep reading and keep posting – we are glad you are here 🙂September 12, 2013 at 10:06 pm#160385AnonymousInactive
Don’t drink or use any more. Actions speak louder than word sometimes.
Now that you recognize the truth and nature of alcoholism.
Common sense hopefully would prevail of this simple nature.
Don’t play russian rollette with the bottle, becuase all it would
take is onetime to dystroyed a relationship and it would take
years or perhapes a life time to make up for it. and if gets
worst and worst..then you get into the realm of irrepiable damages.September 13, 2013 at 1:14 am#160398AnonymousInactive
@Mama~D 1481485 wrote:
How do I explain without trying to blame my actions on my addiction???
You don’t! You say something along the lines of, “I have a problem. I am an Alcoholic. I have had a good portion of my life controlled by an addiction to Alcohol. This addiction and obsession has made me a person I don’t want to be. In this life that I want to put behind me I have done things and said things that make me a less than desirable friend. I have done (insert infraction here) to you and for that I am sorry. I have no excuses! Can you forgive me?”
Remember, you’re not looking for forgiveness. You are looking to clear your conscience. You are looking to relieve the guilt. There is no guarantees that they will forgive you anyways. We ask to be forgiven for our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. They are also expected “By God” to forgive us. If they don’t, the moral dilema has been passed on to them.September 13, 2013 at 10:13 am#160386AnonymousInactive
I was a mean drunk myself, and wondered the same thing at one point. I got the same suggestions as have been posted above, practiced it, and it worked the best. As opposed to saying “sorry”, again.September 13, 2013 at 11:18 am#160397AnonymousInactive
Thanks you guys. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this. The NON-alcoholics out there really don’t understand the addiction because it’s so accepted in society, they think it’s just an excuse or whatever. I mean would I have to be addicted to coc or meth to get more of a positive response?? I feel people look at me like I’m just week or something!! I think alcohol is just as bad as any other addiction but for the simple reason that it’s actually legal is what makes NON-alcoholics look at me like a week person. I just don’t get it!!!September 13, 2013 at 11:29 am#160388AnonymousInactive
The amends I made/tried to make/continue to make to those I love and hurt were ones of action rather than words.
You have recieved some great suggestions, the one by Sugah I quoted, but others stand out as well, “Actions do speak louder then words”.
I drank for 40 years, all the way through my first marriage and for the first 15 years of my present marriage, I have 6 kids, trust me when I say I hurt a lot of folks, if you are like me I know you have said one hell of a lot of I am sorrys. sorry does not cut it when it has been said 100s of times before and it continues.
The first thing I had to do was not drink, the second thing I had to do was change who I was, I was a drunk whether I was drinking or not, saying sorry did not mean diddly squat to me, it rolled off of my lips with ease because I had said it so many times! As I worked and lived to the best of my ability the steps I changed, I am no longer a drunk, I am a far better person then I used to be, I still have a long way to go, but I am progressing.
Once I had months of sobriety under my belt and had learned my character defects and started to work on them I made a list of every person I had harmed and I became willing to make amends where ever and how ever I could, working with my sponsor I started.
When it came to my family every one of them told me that my being and staying sober was all the amends they wanted, they had already forgiven me because I had changed, I was no longer the drunk that had hurt them! The freedom I felt from those moments is indescribable.
Stay sober and change, that is how to make amends, once you have some sober time, then if you need to clean your side of the street is the time to sit down one on one and verbally make your amends from your heart and your actions, then just listen and accept what they say.
If they do not forgive you there is nothing you can do, you have done your part, stay sober and with some the forgiveness will come, for others it may not, but you have done your part.September 13, 2013 at 1:28 pm#160383AnonymousInactive
@Mama~D 1482480 wrote:
…. is what makes NON-alcoholics look at me like a week person. I just don’t get it!!!
You are projecting your thoughts as their’s.
What I have found in others… They don’t look at me as weak…they question them selves…He can’t be an alcoholic because that would make me one as well.
I have had people say to me… That takes courage, I am not that strong.
Not once in all my years have I had a person say I am weak for doing the right things.
The solutions are simple but no way are they easy. It takes strength of character to become humble and walk the correct path daily. No way would I look at it as being weak, except to say… When I am weak, He is strong within me.September 13, 2013 at 6:41 pm#160393AnonymousInactive
You are already doing it…Stayin sober, changing attitudes, etc…
In time if words are needed they will be there.
My sponsor told me after I asked the millionth question, “You have all the answers inside of you ..You just need to uncover them.”
On pages 86 & 87 in the BB it states in 2 differetn areas…”We pause and ask for direction”…many o fus have been truly amazed one we tried this how the intuitive thougth or the right words or the right action does come to us…I continue to be in constant awe of how that works…each and every time..
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