Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
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  • #31062
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello everyone – I hope someone can give me some advice.

    I have a 15 year old son (16 next month) and I suspect he is taking drugs. I know he drinks, as he’s come home a few times a bit “worse for ware” but I never believed he would do drugs.

    He went to play football yesterday and left his mobile phone at home (he never does this – it’s practically glued to him!). Anyway, like the nosey mother I am I looked at his text messages and this is what I found. All these messages are TO him, not from him.

    “Now then mate, what you been drinking or taking?”

    “I’ve got a line of coke and some gangi’s growning, they have roots. If you want some you haven’t got them from me LOL!”

    “Now then mate, how do you feel after taking your chicken? Have you got the bread out of your nose yet? LOL!”

    The last one I don’t understand but think it may be some kind of code?

    How do I approach this? I know I should’ve have looked at his phone as this is a complete violation of trust. I don’t want to tell him that that’s what I did – or do you think I should?

    I’m at a complete loss and really don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.

    #162916
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I JUST never ever know what to say to a mom or dad in this situation. My sister is a recovering heroin addict and my now xhb is a recovering crack addict.. I have 2 teenagers myself (13 and 15) and I’m scared to death of going through this again with them which may kill me.

    Do you have a good open relationship with your son? If so why don’t you sit him down and try and engage him in some conversation? I don’t know if I would tell him you went through his phone. Hey.. I admit to being nosey with my teenagers too and I still Have Net Nanny on our computer network!
    My girls have seen what drug addiction did to our family twice over (their dad and my sister) they suffered a lot of consequences from their dad’s drug use and they have also been blessed watching him through his recovery and I “THINK” I might escape this path with them. I pray every night not to have to go through this.

    I would sit him down and see if he will open up to you and then take it from there with your gut.
    I don’t want to scare you even more, but reading those text messages tells me “something” isn’t right 🙁

    Good luck and prayers.

    #162901
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I agree it is harder to give advice to a parent because teens are going through such an awkward time in their young lives and nothing seems to be an easy answer! They seem to change overnight and are no longer the “babes” that we remember.
    You never know if they are actually doing the drugs or just ‘pretending’ because of peer pressure.
    We don’t want them to isolate from us and drift further away but we also have to educate and protect them.

    Velvet…I cannot give you much advice on what to say but I think you need to talk to your son and find out what is going on in his life and definitely WHO he is hanging with that is influencing him {possibly} to do drugs, if that is the case.

    Be prepared for anger that you invaded his privacy and looked at his phone! That always seems to be the first thing they come back at us with…and probably with good reason.
    Instead of saying its because you pay the phone bill or that he still lives under your roof….Just say that it is because you were concerned and take it from there.

    Wishing you lots of luck, strength and piece of mind!
    ~Jane

    #162913
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I wish that I or someone had “violated the trust” of my 22 year old niece–she might still be here. Towards the end, I did violate her trust, and I didn’t care whether she knew—she violated the trust of all who cared about her when she lied about the extent of her drug-taking, and put herself in peril by doing so. She’s no longer here-she died from an accidental drug overdose. At some point, having her trust violated was the least of her worries-I’ll never know at what point now. This was a girl of whom no one would’ve ever guessed that she was using drugs to the extent she was just by looking at her or her life-she became expert at hiding it, and was still fully functional (and absented herself when she wasn’t, I imagine). Believe me, as things turned out, I would rather have dealt with her trust issues at a later date, after we had done what we could to get her off of drugs, than the situation that happened instead. In this situation, IMO, trust is a two-way street. She was 22, living under my roof-I’d feel even more strongly about a minor child.

    #162902
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am so sorry for your loss “MeToo2″….I was only speaking from experience from the many times I snooped through my own daughters things and that was always what she would hit me with first…that “betrayal of trust” issue!

    It is a difficult situation no matter how you look at it.

    #162914
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    That’s OK Jane, I didn’t mean to direct my post “at” anyone–it is a difficult dilemma–at first. My niece was 22, an adult, which made it even trickier. It’s just that in the hierarchy of issues in her situation, invading her privacy turned out to be lower. She tried to “blackmail” with that–I finally understood that she was betraying my trust bringing illegal drugs into my home, lying to me, etc. She had no moral highground, and was only using that to cover her drug use, not because she was concerned with ethics. I fully realised the difference too late.

    #162915
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I agree with Jane that your situation is rather precarious. How do you keep the communication open, but also relate the dangers of drugs?

    I’m sure there is a lot of literature out there to help you approach the topic. I would google it to read other stories of parents having the ‘discussion’.

    #162905
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    There are so many wonderful people who are family and friends of substance abusers in that section of the forum. I have a feeling they may have more experience in this 🙂

    [url]http://www.https://12stepnationalmeetings.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/%5B/url%5D

    #162906
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @velvet42 1496759 wrote:

    Hello everyone – I hope someone can give me some advice.

    I have a 15 year old son (16 next month) and I suspect he is taking drugs. I know he drinks, as he’s come home a few times a bit “worse for ware” but I never believed he would do drugs.

    He went to play football yesterday and left his mobile phone at home (he never does this – it’s practically glued to him!). Anyway, like the nosey mother I am I looked at his text messages and this is what I found. All these messages are TO him, not from him.

    “Now then mate, what you been drinking or taking?”

    “I’ve got a line of coke and some gangi’s growning, they have roots. If you want some you haven’t got them from me LOL!”

    “Now then mate, how do you feel after taking your chicken? Have you got the bread out of your nose yet? LOL!”

    The last one I don’t understand but think it may be some kind of code?

    How do I approach this? I know I should’ve have looked at his phone as this is a complete violation of trust. I don’t want to tell him that that’s what I did – or do you think I should?

    I’m at a complete loss and really don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.

    I agree with MeToo2. I know at 15 I had huge issues with an eating disorder and self harm and no one violated my trust either, everyone always gave me the power since I can remember. I became the adult in charge of the adults.
    I’m not confronting him will will fix the problem cause I don’t know.
    But esp. at 15 to have trust you have to earn it. I wouldn’t be giving him a cell phone if that’s what he’s doing with it.
    I work with a lot of teenagers and talk to them daily, most of them want to talk to their parents and crave boundaries and discipline, but they aren’t getting it.
    JMO 🙂

    #162900
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    bring him to the local methadone clinic for a “look see”

    #162903
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s cool MeToo2…I understand your points.

    IMO, Taking the cellphone away will accomplish nothing. I never had a cellphone when I was a teen and I managed to get in ALOT of trouble without such devices!

    You cannot isolate them from the world but only to enlighten them, set boundaries, set a good example and most importantly, let them know that our love is unconditional. {ie. “I love you even though you are disobeying me and being a brat!”…”You are grounded from hanging with your friends until further notice because I love you”}

    At any rate…I do wish you luck and yes, reading up or seeking profesional advice is very helpful!
    *My parents gave me free reign over the household and I survived somehow but by the grace of God! I made it a point to raise our own daughter differently.

    #162912
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    you’ve got to go with your gut feeling. you’re his mom and know him best. if i had my son back, i would have really fought tooth and nail to save his life. he may have hated me and it may have not worked, but at least i know that i tried.

    i always wanted to pick my battles with my kids….you know cleaning your room is not something worth battling and destroying the relationship; however, drug use….yes…..that’s a battle to pick.

    i know that hind site is 20/20 and it’s easy for me to say all this now, but if something tragic should happen…..you get no second chances. some things, like death are final!!!!!!!

    i’m not saying this to scare you…..it’s just how i feel.

    #162907
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’ve gotta agree with M O

    If you confront him whats the worsemthing that could happen?
    He’ll get over it.

    Thats my h.o.

    #162911
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @velvet42 1496759 wrote:

    Hello everyone – I hope someone can give me some advice.

    I have a 15 year old son (16 next month) and I suspect he is taking drugs. I know he drinks, as he’s come home a few times a bit “worse for ware” but I never believed he would do drugs.

    He went to play football yesterday and left his mobile phone at home (he never does this – it’s practically glued to him!). Anyway, like the nosey mother I am I looked at his text messages and this is what I found. All these messages are TO him, not from him.

    “Now then mate, what you been drinking or taking?”

    “I’ve got a line of coke and some gangi’s growning, they have roots. If you want some you haven’t got them from me LOL!”

    “Now then mate, how do you feel after taking your chicken? Have you got the bread out of your nose yet? LOL!”

    The last one I don’t understand but think it may be some kind of code?

    How do I approach this? I know I should’ve have looked at his phone as this is a complete violation of trust. I don’t want to tell him that that’s what I did – or do you think I should?

    I’m at a complete loss and really don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.

    well unforunately for you your son is not stupid IF you decide to confront him he’s proabaly gonna say “hmmmmmmmm how did she know I bet she looked at my phone” it’s not that hard sense you wouldnt have known had you NOT looked at the phone

    so in my opinion if you confront him you have NO CHOICE but to come clean

    #162909
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I just wanted to say a big thank you for everyone who took the trouble to reply to me – I really do appreciate it. You have all confirmed exactly what my hubby and I have been thinking, this is just something that cannot be ignored! We will confront him, and I know the least of my worries is the fact he’ll be pi$$ed I violated his trust. After all, we’re the adults aren’t we?

    Some hard hitting replies here – thank you!!

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