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- July 7, 2016 at 2:50 pm#39725AnonymousInactive
7 days alcohol free and this morning I woke up to coffee with my husband at 6 am. I don’t know when that tradition stopped… probably when the focus of my morning became how to nurse my hangovers. I walked outside to sit on the front porch; rocking back and forth the colors even seem brighter. The blue of the sky, bluer. The green swaying palm trees, greener. The wind brushing my face, refreshing. The smell of fresh air, sweeter. The raunchy smell of alcohol the night before, gone. I can see clearly now.
The most important thing I’ve learned in the last week is that alcoholism is a “progressive disease”. Those words changed everything. Progressive (adj) – Moving forward; advancing; Proceeding in steps; continuing steadily by increments. To me this means there was to be no healing until a change (or treatment of my disease) was made… it would get worse. And looking back that’s exactly how it was. Five years ago I started drinking a glass of wine or two each night; stress of relationships with family was my excuse. It relaxed me. Two glasses progressed into a bottle, into two bottles and sometimes even vodka on top of that. Not every night all the time, but most of the time. Slowly the relaxation went away and somewhere along the way this progressive disease helped me lose myself. My daily battle consisted of two things: 1. A hangover, bringing with it shame and a paralyzing fog and 2. What time I would have my first drink, accompanied by disgust and a general feeling of irritable anxiousness until I caved. The desire to drink to console my problems only compounded them. The sadness, disappointment and confusion in my life turned into anger, bitterness and resentment. Today I woke up and smiled even laughed heartily, first thing in the morning! No alcohol needed. I can see clearly now.
This has been a long time coming… and I thank my God for giving me a great awareness of how truly sick I am. Honestly I am terrified of alcohol now. Hindsight is 20/20 and to see in what depth of darkness I’ve lived for so long compared to the brightness I see now… I can’t imagine ever going back. I’m smothering myself in AA books, weekly meetings, reading the encouragement on this site and my Bible. I need to remember how far I’ve come. I hardly have all the answers and it’s only 7 days, but boy howdy it feels like a lifetime, because now I can see clearly. Thank God.
“And His outstretched arms are still strong enough to reach, behind these prison bars to set us free….”
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