Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Alcohol Abuse I Don’t Know How I Feel….

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    Anonymous
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    My sponsor has started texting me a lot and checking in with me more than she usually does. I know it’s because I have needed her recently but found it hard to admit it. The thing is she asks me how I am feeling…inside myself…and ya know what…I don’t have a clue!

    I feel empty…I feel sick and I feel scared again. None of which I used to feel when I had a good conscious contact with my Higher Power. I don’t want to feel like this any more…but I’m not sure how to get out of it. I don’t want to drink but I don’t know what it is that I do want.

    Background on what’s happened in my life recently….

    …since last August my Granddads health began to deteriorate and in January we found out he had a brain tumour and he subsequently died four weeks ago. My whole life and moods have been dictated by him and the family for the past few months. I know that it shouldn’t have been that way but I couldn’t distance myself…I loved him dearly. I totally didn’t let step 3 carry me like she kept saying to me to do. I just couldn’t sit still long enough to do it and I do feel I’ve suffered for it. Two weeks before he died my Aunt passed away as well. Plus on the Easter weekend my friends fianc√© took his own life.

    Since all that I’ve just felt flat. I’m going to meetings and I’m sharing but my moods are all over the place no matter what I do. I also have the added complication of having a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia which is a milder form of bipoloar II disorder.

    Tonight I feel worried, anxious and on edge. I am at my parents for the weekend and I just want to be home. I want to be alone. And I’m scared that I don’t know who I am and I am scared I wont ever know because of my mood disorder. The bad times are outweighing the good right now.

    I have so much good in my life, I went on a first date the other night and it went well. My control freak side finds it hard as obviously I don’t know what will happen from here but I am managing to calm that in my head! I have a job that I don’t particularly like but it’s money isn’t it. I have amazing friends and a good family.

    Just hate feeling this way…hoping that it will pass.

    xx

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