My sponsor has started texting me a lot and checking in with me more than she usually does. I know it’s because I have needed her recently but found it hard to admit it. The thing is she asks me how I am feeling…inside myself…and ya know what…I don’t have a clue!

I feel empty…I feel sick and I feel scared again. None of which I used to feel when I had a good conscious contact with my Higher Power. I don’t want to feel like this any more…but I’m not sure how to get out of it. I don’t want to drink but I don’t know what it is that I do want.

Background on what’s happened in my life recently….

…since last August my Granddads health began to deteriorate and in January we found out he had a brain tumour and he subsequently died four weeks ago. My whole life and moods have been dictated by him and the family for the past few months. I know that it shouldn’t have been that way but I couldn’t distance myself…I loved him dearly. I totally didn’t let step 3 carry me like she kept saying to me to do. I just couldn’t sit still long enough to do it and I do feel I’ve suffered for it. Two weeks before he died my Aunt passed away as well. Plus on the Easter weekend my friends fiancé took his own life.

Since all that I’ve just felt flat. I’m going to meetings and I’m sharing but my moods are all over the place no matter what I do. I also have the added complication of having a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia which is a milder form of bipoloar II disorder.

Tonight I feel worried, anxious and on edge. I am at my parents for the weekend and I just want to be home. I want to be alone. And I’m scared that I don’t know who I am and I am scared I wont ever know because of my mood disorder. The bad times are outweighing the good right now.

I have so much good in my life, I went on a first date the other night and it went well. My control freak side finds it hard as obviously I don’t know what will happen from here but I am managing to calm that in my head! I have a job that I don’t particularly like but it’s money isn’t it. I have amazing friends and a good family.

Just hate feeling this way…hoping that it will pass.

xx