- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 25, 2008 at 4:32 am#34263AnonymousInactive
Hi everyone you may recognize me from the novel I wrote about a week ago. I’m doing okay, however something is nagging at me…
Right now I have a real problem with who to try and talk to about this. I know I am going to have to tell my family about this eventually. But I have nobody to talk to; nobody understands my problem.
I think it started with my senior class shirts. My graduating class was the most heavy partying class in our school in a long long time, in a school that is well known for heavy partying. So we were considered by most grades a few years above and below us, from multiple high schools, as the “best of the best” as far as partying goes. I could honestly tell you 4/5 kids from my graduating class drank. Often. The social heirarchy, as crazy as this may sound, was built around how often you partied, and how hard you partied. And this ranged from the lowliest of freshmen all the way up to the craziest seniors. You were only as popular as your reputation for partying took you. And over the years I moved up to the top of the list as far as partiers went. So most people in the school saw me as the best of the best of the best. I was always invited to the best parties, everyone knew that where there was beer, and where I was, they would have a good time around me. I caught my brother bragging about me to the other freshmen, and it made me feel good, not like I was trying to impress freshmen or anything though…
Our senior class shirts, we made to say “Class of .08 (as in ’08, which is of course the legal drunk limit for driving) on the front, on the back “Never forget… But can’t remember” with a pong triangle and a ball dropping in (I voted for the “Up and Down the River” layout).
I showed my mom, who, for about 2.5 years at that point, had suspisions I drank and smoked bud, which she understood everyone does in high school, but had no idea the level at which I drank. She knew it was part of high school. When I showed her the shirt, she laughed and asked “Now be honest, you drank in high school right?”
“Yes” (with a smrik on my face)
“Ever get completely messed up”
“Oh, yes… ” and at this I can’t help to giggle out loud at how naive she is.
“Oh, Cam… well, I can’t say I’m proud, or glad, but I am kind of glad that you at least have some experience with beer (how naive…), becuase I get afraid when I hear these stories of kids going to college and drinking a handle of vodka and killing themselves.”
“Yea, I know my limit.”
And ever since then my mom knew, or at least had a small idea, on how much I drank. I’m at most likely one of the biggest party schools in the country, hence “the alcohol runs like tap water.” I guess I more than fit in. And my parents know my school’s reputation for parties, so now I feel comfortable telling them when I go to the apartments to party, because they know I drank in high school. And my mom went to Delaware, which aparrently is a decent party school, so she has an idea of what’s going on. It wouldn’t be a shock to them, you know?
But what they don’t know is how badly I get messed up there. My parents probably think I’m having 2 drinks, getting happy, meeting some girls (which I make sure to do, of course), and leaving. They think I am being responsible, as they have thought I always have been, as I have given them no real reason to think otherwise. They don’t know about my thoughts on tuesdays and wednesdays, or the whole week for that matter. They probably think I hate the taste of beer, as most kids I know claim, little do they know I’d order it at a restaurant if I was legal. I love the taste. And my tolerance, which, for my size, is somewhat absurd. Like I said, I basically have to chug 4-5 drinks before I feel a buzz. By the time I finish my 4th, my friend, who outwieghs me by about 50 pounds, is starting his second. I’m not trying to brag to anyone, as I said before- I’m trying to put my tolerance in perspective. This has gone on beyond a bragging subject.
I think I’ve been locked in the mindest I was forced into (not unwillingly though) in high school, where if you had two beers, especially the guys, sometimes even the girls, were laughed at called a little *****, and usually not invited back. Or you were mocked in school, and took a negative hit on your “reputaion.” They were seen as a waste of alcohol: nobody had much money. However, I was never peer pressured into “binge drinking,” it seemed almost natural, I enjoyed the rush of drinking hard and fast, but I always had that thought, early on as a sophomore, in the back in my mind.
I don’t know where you stand chronologically in your family, but of my clan (Irish, thats what I call my family lol old school), I am the first of my generation to go to college and enter the real world. My father was one of eight, and I have around 20 cousins, who I feel I have the responsibility to set a good example for.
So my family loves me very much, and I love them all back. Thankfully I’m pretty sure my brother is staying away from the hardcore party scene, if it even exists in my hometown anymore. I don’t like to talk to him about drinking, it seems kind of awkward, because I’m pretty sure he has never drank, and I have quite a bit. I can’t really explain it. I’d say it would be like having to talk to him about sex. Which I’m pretty sure he hasn’t done any of either. He’s only 15 though. He is my best friend, and always will be. But I feel my reputation and the pedestal I was placed on top of might have corrupted his mind, and he may feel like he has huge shoes to fill, like Stifler’s younger brother from the Naked Mile. Wow that was a perfect analogy. No joke. I mean who wouldn’t want to be popular like I was? But he doesn’t know how much I drank, or exactly how I got my reputation for partying, but I’m sure he could find out if he wanted to, and he may try to copy what I did, and he may end up like me now, or dead somewhere. Oh my god I can’t even imagine finding out he drank himself to death, because I would know exactly why, but I wouldn’t be able to say. And I’d know it would be all my fault, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myslef.
And like I said, I would have a really hard time explaining how I developed this problem to my family, and he probably still thinks there is nothing wrong with what I did, and that I am feeling the consequences now.
So, did you tell your parents about your problem? I feel like I have to eventually tell them, like if I was cheating on my girlfriend or something. But my reputation will be ruined, as will theirs, as will my last name. “[Last Name]? Oh those are the folks whose kid became an alcoholic at 18.” Who will my cousins have to look up to? Will my brother want to follow my example?
I’m facing alot of pressure here. And no, I am not relieving this pressure through drinking.
I am just so afraid to tell almost anyone I am close to. I mean my ex is still my best friend and very smart but shes only 17 and wouldn’t understand. I was planning on talking to her sister because she’s a junior in college now, but she does not have a drinking problem.
So, who that you are close to did you tell, if anyone? What did they say?
It’s so easy for everyone to say “Well, why don’t you just stop? I mean I do it all the time.”
Thanks again, everyone.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.