Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
  • Author
  • #27645

    Last night I had another totally disgraceful experience. Just one day ago, I had found myself unable to control myself, in deciding where I am going or when to stop.And last evening, I was in the same state again.

    I have a close friend and he often enjoys a couple of drinks in the evening. And it is with him often I start drinking, which usually ends up in drinking alone. After we say good bye, I will go on and have more drinks somewhere alone since I always feel I didnt have enough. Last evening, I couldnt stop the temptaion,I dont know from where it came, but I rang him and ask him what he was doing and he asked me to come over. I went there, sat with him and we had two drinks. And we said goodnight to each other.And against all my promises to myself, I couldnt suppress my urge to have some m0re. So I went to another pub, and there looking back I was misrebale. I was asking this singer to sing some numbers and writing a song myself, without any reservations or dignity.I feel totally ashamed when I think of it now, it is not my usual nature.

    And the worst thing happened at midnight. I left the pub, had food and went to sleep. I still dont know why or how, but when I can recall, I am in another building, which is close to where I stay, wearing only a shorts, without a shirt. The most impossible things I would ever do. I walked back, realising my situation and I dont know how many people must have seen. I didnt have keys and so I had to wake my owner. He said, I had knocked on my door on my exit. I couldnt remeber. He asked me if I was drunk.I had to admit. He said dont repeat it. I apologised. I feel totally disgusted with myself. Feeling no self respect.I dont know how to face him or the people who must have seen me.

    I place myself in ridiculous conditions when I am drunk. All my self composure vanishes. And when I am sober and look back, I feel so contemptuous about my mannerisms and actions. And when I recover from the phase of depression, then at a sober moment, I fell again into the trap of having a drink, thinking that one or two wouldnt do any harm, I will then stop etc, which never happens.Alochol changes me which astonishes me, it makes me a pitiful being. I know I have become powerless over this chemical.

    I need help. I want to be reminded of its eveil always, in all situations,in good and bad moods so that I dont go after it to elevate my moods or to enhance a happy feeling.

    What should I do?


    Welcome to 12 Step National Meetings!
    It’s a great place for support and understanding.

    Please take a read around you will find most of us have
    been in your situation.

    You have just made the first step on finding answers


    You have made a big step..looking for help..There are many of us here who have found ourselves in similar situations..

    I am an alcoholic and my name is Janni.. When I realized that with all good intentions I could not predict or control my drinking once I started, I was baffled….I would tell myself when I was in those places of shame and dispair that I would never drink again….But there WOULD always be a next time…
    Then one day a friend invi8ted me to an AA meeting where I learned that I was not a BAD Girl..I had a disease, an allergy if you like to alcohol..Once I took the first drink, my body developed a craving, unlike non-alcoholics..
    I also learned there that there was a solution..I have been attending for quite a while now and have made many new friends…(as you will here as well if you stick around)
    I learned that I was Sick…Not bad..and I am getting better..24 hrs at a time…

    We are all here for you…Come pour your heart out whenever you want..
    More people will be along to share their Experience strength and Hope with You….YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!!!!! xoxo Janni


    I am overwhelmed by your quick response. The morning , for me started with utter despair over my condition. And I still am in a state of self pity. But your words have a soothing effect and as you said the knowledge that I’m not alone. I’m just thinking how I became an alcoholic..why certain people like me, cant control.. is it a physical condition or has it got something to do with my mind..?. I dont know. But it makes me feel I am not in charge of my life.It frightens me.. It really does Janny


    The first step of Recovery in AA says that “We admitted we were Powerless over alcohol and our life was unmanagagable..”

    However – Together – we are not powerless – One alcoholic helps another..we understand each other’s “condition”
    We have “strange mental twists” that lead us back to alcohol and that is why we support each other
    When we drink – and until we “get into the Solution” our lives are unmanageable….
    For Me..Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with a blueprint for living sober…My suggestion would be to go to some AA meetings, talk to some people there and see how they have managed to get and STAY Sober..

    You will meet people here who have not gone to AA who have and have not stayed Sober..there are other groups…I am only telling you what has worked for me for seven years and I continue to grow..One day at a time !!…………………………….Janni


    Yes, I completely realise I’m powerless. What I am thinking about is overcoming the temptation, in all situations, when one is alone and when he happens to be in a drinking company, to wholeheartedly refuse to drink, realising there is no stop after the first sip..

    Inumerable times, I have failed to do that. Everytime, I’ll say to myself before taking the first drink, ‘this time I will consciously observe myself and behave myself’. But it never happens. I have lost that strength around six months ago.

    Your experience and words are really helping and I am going to a meeting.

    How did you overcome the temptation to drink, after going to the meetings..What do you say to yourself when that craving occurs to tell yourself that ábsolute NO’?


    Welcome to 12 Step National Meetings. It’s truly a great first step and you should be proud of yourself for taking it. Recognizing the fact that you have a problem to overcome can be difficult and you did it. Now the work begins.

    I agree that finding a support network (here is good, but face to face is better for some people) and learn as much as you can about what is happening to your body when you drink. In addition to reading the facts in books or articles, I strongly suggest that you start a journal about yourself. It’s a great way to see in black and white what happens TO YOU in a specific way rather than just reading about the generalities of the average alcoholic.

    And of course, keep posting and let us know how you’re doing.


    When I went to AA – I met women and got their telephone numbers..I learned that I was to phone them whenever I got the urge..or find a meeting to go to as soon as possible…I got a Sponsor ( which is like a mentor) who taught me the “tricks of the trade” so to speak..
    Eventually the cravings went away..
    The more AA meetings I went to and heard other people’s stories of how they handled their recovery and how bad their drinking progressed – I knew I didn’t want to get any worse than the point I had come to..
    Alcoholism is a Progressive FATAL disease…The worse fate for me would be to cross that line of no return, to lose the opportunity to stop, to end up drinking myself to death…
    I heard stories of the miracles that occurred as people got better, the became happy, healthy, developed loving relationships..their dreams started coming true..and above all – THEY STAYED SOBER !!!
    I wanted what they had and I still am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober….Does this make any sense to you?? It is kind of a lot of information….Take it easy and just go to some AA meetings,
    Just don’t take the first drink until you go to a meeting.
    You’ll meet some wonderful loving people there and in the meantime, keep posting here and don’t be afraid to post and ask questions on other threads as well….
    I’m heading to bed now..Its 1 am here in Canada…but I’ll check up on you tomorrow..See if you can find a meeting and let me know how it goes OK ??? LOL Janni :Val004:


    Yes.. I will need people, people who had been this condition and that made me come here Janny. Good Night.

    I am just trying here to see myself more clearly, and to share with you my experience of developing alcoholism. Like all, I was also a normal drinker. But, even then, in those days, I always detested drinking, even when I had only a couple of drinks (only couple!) .I always wanted to stay sober and I aspired to be a writer. I had some stories published and was feeling great. And the times I used to feel creative was at nights. So I never liked the idea of getting drunk and spoil my precious creative time. Apart from this, I was prone to depression. Somehow, until the heavy drinking days began, I used to cope with it on my own. Then, I fell into a relationship. It was beautiful and it made me perceive myself in whole new meaningful way. But it didn’t last. I was the one to blame. The feeling self contempt started creeping in, and I felt I have no meaningful thing to in life. I was staying with a group of friends, and they used to drink regularly. I started joining them. Initially, they all appreciated and respected the way I drank. I drank, but stayed very composed. And they admired me for that. I think I still had some self respect left and hadn’t wanted to give myself away easily. But, that was soon to change. Slowly, after a day full of depressive thoughts, I started finding alcohol as a lifting spirit. I lost all desire to write, and every evening, after pushing through the day, I took to drinking. I reflected the past, cried silently, felt a relief from depression, all over a couple of strong lagers. And it to change. I started needing more alcohol. And as the drinking progressed, I began to lose the last bit of self respect in me. For a long year, I didn’t care about anything, didn’t care how much I drank, how I behaved and about everything that I once valued. And then, around six months ago, I realized I need to change. I went home and stayed with my family. I never felt the craving when I was with my father, mother and brother. I thought I could conquer. I felt normal. I wanted to write again… I found a new job and left home for the city.

    And here, I met my old college mate. I was meeting him for the first time since we left college. He took me to a pub. I thought I’m no longer an alcoholic and there would be nothing wrong in having a company drink. But I drank more, more than I thought I would. We had a nice conversation and in my loneliness in the new city, I yearned for his company more. I wanted somebody to talk to, and he was there. And when he drank, all my cravings came back. We started meeting regularly. And I was going back to the past I didn’t want to return to. I started drinking alone as well. And the effect of my abstinence soon vanished. Now, I’m in a worse condition. With so much of shame, and self disgust. I find myself behaving in ways I would never do when I am sober.

    Above all, I am afraid of myself, the worst feeling one can have.. The dependence on a chemical makes me feel so powerless over my life and destiny..


    The moment

    After a night of heavy drinking, the next day is hell. Full of shame. Wretched and weak, with not an ounce of self esteem.
    And mind cant be in such a state forever.So I start to build up my hope.
    I would say to myself, ‘Never again’.

    And when I feel better, perhaps after one or two days, the whole perception deceptively changes. I feel :I am quite okay,The days are over,Now I am quite strong.

    And I’m falling itno the trap again.

    Á drink would nice, or just a couple..just to relax’, I would think.

    And this time, I wont let it go beyond me. I would stop just after two, keep my composure, eat my food and sleep.

    And I take the first drink. Everything is okay. I still know what I am doing.
    I feel a sense of well being. Feel more inspired, the world looks better , and I’m not as bad or weak or inadequate as I thought.

    Oh, I dont want to stop this feeling, I order one more.
    The feeling still remains. Two drinks..I’m still alright. I ‘m sober.Nothing will go wrong with more.

    The third finished. Why should one care for anything in this world?. Why is it that I have to be so cautious. I can do anything I want. Money, no I dont care, I’ll have one more. Work tomorow morning..Its okay, I’ll somehow get up.
    I look around. Everyone is enjoying their drinks. No, I dont want to leave now.I’ll stay a little longer.

    Fourth one is on the way.

    I no longer have power over my thought patterns. ‘Self will’ has disappeared at some blurred boundary between sobreity and inebration.

    I cease to exist.Alcohol becomes me.

    I open my eyes. Its morning. How am I here? When did I go to bed? How did I reach my room?. What all I did lastnight?

    Only questions. No clear answers.
    Memory somewhere faded into a bleak black void.

    I start the day again, feeling more pathetic than I had ever been.


    I would say to myself, ‘Never again’.

    And when I feel better, perhaps after one or two days, the whole perception deceptively changes. I feel :I am quite okay,The days are over,Now I am quite strong.

    And I’m falling itno the trap again.

    Á drink would nice, or just a couple..just to relax’, I would think.

    This is the deadly self talk that we have all done. Now that you can see the pattern and the end result of the pattern, you can take the steps to alter the outcome. You will probably hear it called “playing the tape to the end” as if it’s the same old video that we play over and over and over. Well, now we know the ending.

    When you see the beginning of the pattern, take a moment to see what JUST happened in your life, because that’s probably a “trigger” (something that turns the thought in your head towards alcohol). The difficult thing that you need to learn to do (a sponsor or any support network can help you learn the tools) is to find something to redirect your thoughts to something healthy or safe. I like to write in my journal, take a walk, call someone, type here, or cry. Then the stranglehold of the thought weakens.

    It’s so great to see you writing out some of your experiences and thoughts. Take some time to read around here also. You’ll find a lot of people just like you.



    Thank you for taking time to read and comment. I will never be able to say how much the help, support and advise all you people offer mean to me.

    What I dread is the trigger, the beginning of the pattern, the line of thought that drive me towards alcohol in an unexpected moment.

    I feel so devoid of confidence since I always saw myself relenting in those moments….


    Unfortunately for me, just about everything in my life is a trigger. I’m (was) a daily all day drinker because I thought it made things more bearable. My kids fighting is a trigger and I can’t stop it. Not being able to communicate properly (I live in France) is a trigger so just about any time I leave the house I come back wanting to drink. Having stuff spread all over the house is a trigger and with 3 kids, a dog, a husband, and a small house it’s just something that can’t be elliminated.

    The thing that I have to do is recognize the trigger and accept it for what it is – a reason that I found to drink. The kids make up and go play quietly, the house gets straightened eventually, and I have learned some basic phrases to get by most situations. I don’t have to drink. I have to let the moment pass because I know a new moment is coming.

    It may be tough, but it’s completely possible to get through. You’ll do a lot better once you’re armed with some “tools” (things to say or do when the urge hits). These next few days are going to be hard, but stick with us and whatever you do DON’T GIVE IN TO A DRINK. Once you know you have the power to say NO! you’ll begin to feel stronger each time.


    Yes, I am going to do that. I pray to god to give me strength.
    How comforting it is to know that I am a part of a community who cares for me.. ‘
    DON’T GIVE IN TO A DRINK” – I will remember your words when I feel that deadly call..


    Welcome to 12 Step National Meetings!! I used to black out and not remember what on earth I did the night/day before as well! The good news is that I don’t have to worry any more, I admitted (finally) that I could not control my drinking and gave up the whole idea of being able to moderate.

    I really had not a lot wrong with me except I needed to not drink, sober I could talk my way through to clearer thinking and start to achieve things in my life. As a drinker I just kept on getting myself into embarassing situations, which over time I came to accept and my whole perception of myself really went down.

    Me came back again, first don’t drink, no first drink, not today!!

    love and peace,
    Brigid 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.