- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 5 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.
- October 26, 2015 at 12:35 pm#37734AnonymousInactive
Alot has Happened… my first attempt lasted for only 25 hours and then I gave in…. I have gone through it before.. I buckled down and did it cold turkey and was happier then ever…I don’t know why I was so week this time, why I couldn’t just push through it… but I couldn’t
Its a new day today and I hope I can actually do this.. I know I can do this! All my life I stayed away from drug, my entire life… I was always worried that my depression would lead me into a serious drug addiction if I even experimented with anything…but being without medical insurance when I was younger and then having serious serious dental pain which had me rinsing with listerine ever 10 minutes for 3 days straight or until I could actually fall asleep led me to my addiction… i take care of my eldrly mother who is both mental and physically ill.. and I have been taking care of her since I was 13…she screams all day.. all night at random things.. makes up reasons to yell and sceram and start fights… creates hostile environments, breaks and destroys my personal effect… in short never leaves me alone.. but she’s ill and I couldn’t decide what I should do on that matter…but I will explain that in another section
After the 3 days of severe persisting pain.. I gave in to my mothers idea of taking the pain meds the doctors had her on…at the time I didn’t even know what oxycodone was.. I thought it was like hydrocodone but weaker.. and I knew nothing about the time release on it… so I thought If I broke the 30 or 40 mg pill into an 6 or 8th I could avoid taking that much of the drug…after 10 minutes of taking the first piece and it not working I thought that perhaphs it was to week so I took another piece and then another piece… and 30- 40 minutes in it kicked me…it felt great the pain was gone and I was high for the first time in my life… it was a weird feeling though being incredibly angry at myself for feeling this way while experiencing the generics of happiness… and thats where it all started
Without medical insurance and being young and having no financial support whenever I was in pain my mentally and physically ill mother would keep pushing me pills.. at first reluctant but eventually the pain would always win..more and more, even after the pain had eased I found myself wanting the sweet generics of hope, feeling happy only under its shroud and so it became the eventuality that I began to use it just to deal with the tribulations of dealing with the abuses of having to take care of a physically and mentally sick individual… her screams, when on the drug, were easily diverted, her destructive tendencies were easily overlooked… and more and more she began to offer me the drug just to spend time next to her or be around her…Months passed and eventually I kick it could turkey because I had a vacation coming up that a friend had invited me on for free.. and he was lke a brother, I did want his family know or seeing me high or in withdrawl.. so I kicked it…
And while on vacation I realized where my depression came from.. because never in my life had I felt so free as when I was not in her company for an extended period of time, and I realized that I needed to leave her side as quickly as I could.
When I got back I made plans to leave but then I lost the tooth that had bothered me for the past year.. I sank into depression.. and pain… and the drug and the abuse.. months passed until the day my mother had an accident and had to go to the hospital for over a month.. I quickly got off the drug in her absence and again found myself overwhelmingly enjoying life without her presence… more and more it affirmed what my trigger for use was and more and more it affirmed what I needed to do but what weak in fallowing through.
I always had worries about what would happen to her if I were to leave.. she would always say that suicide would fallow my exist, (at the age of 18 I was going to join the military but then she also threatened suicide.. my sister was 15 and had no other family)… and with my sister still young and in need of stability I became reluctant… not shortly after she came back.. the same pattern resurfaced.. verbal abuse.. waking at 3 am to fights with herself.. my sister never stayed home and was always out.. my attempts at getting her financially stable enough to the point where I would not need worry once I left failed… she liked cloths and she didn’t like difficult work…SO I “rationalized” to myself..”I’ll only use this drug to calm me and prevent me from killing myself or hurting my mother until I move” and the good news was that a friend had decided to let me move in… Unfortunately he is a lazy son of a bitch who was spoiled throughout his entire life and well he is just incredibly lazy.. we needed to do some work ripping up carpets and laying tile and he would always want to hangout with me under the premise of doing just that but when i would come over he would always push it off.. that started in may.. and because of that I avoided him for several months
That was around the time I had decided to try cold turkey…and then I failed
months passed after and I felt soo pathetic soo weak…I was never this type, why couldn’t I just get over this.. I had no contact with anyone and I seldom ever left my room… I didn’t want anyone to see me like this…Before this I was in incredible physical same 195 lbs about only 5% body fat…But because of it I had lost about 40 pounds and gained a ton of fat
And here we are now… the room is almost finished… and more and more I realize that I need to get over this as soon as possible no matter the cost
So…I am, coming to all of you for help.. and for support…everyday I think about just killing myself and ending this ******* pathetic cycle.. because when I look back at the golden boy i was.. the promise I had.. and where I am today.. I just feel like death would be a better option
But I’ve decided to get all my ducks in order and try once again to go cold turkey… I hope you can all help me, because I have no support.. and I can’t get support from my family because every time I have tried she had been the one who has given me the pills in a time of weakness.. I suppose its her guarantee that I will remain with her… who knows..
I hope you can all give me some advice on what to do in the coming seven days… and let me know about your experiences…I hope it will help me persevere… because I have already decided that If I am not clean by New Years… if I keep failing at this….I might as well end it.. what the point in living life as an undead ..lol… I plan on getting everything together and starting tomorrow.
So I guess I should end it with,
Hi, my name is David I’m 23…and I’m an addict
I take between 40-60 mg of oxycodone per day… I have never bought the drug on moral grounds but get it given to me by the aforementioned… and I can not leave this area to go anywhere Until I am off..as so I have no family
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