Hi,
My heart is pounding as I am writing this, because for so long I have gone back and forth with thinking I have a drinking problem and thinking I don’t, and I think I am ready to admit that I do, and I’m scared because I don’t know what to do next.

I am 25, and I have been drinking more than I am comfortable with since my junior year in college, 5 years ago. I have an anxiety disorder and adhd, both of which have made drinking very appealing to me since the first time I took a drink. it calms me down and makes me not worry about anything and makes my thoughts slow down. I have not found anything else that makes me feel as good as alcohol does.

I have tried to stop drinking so many times in the last few years, but it has never lasted more than a week or so, and then I justify why it’s ok. Then I start out only drinking a few days a week, but then there are more and more weeks where I drink every day, even if it is just a couple of drinks. I feel like anymore I don’t even know how to socialize or relax or have a good time without drinking. That is not who I want to be, and I miss the time before I ever had a drink for the first time.

Over the years I have tried to convince myself that I am just a normal twenty something who likes to have drink to relax and have fun. And alcoholism runs in my family, so sometimes I think I’m just being paranoid and worrying for nothing. And I usually don’t drink a huge amount, and I don’t get drunk and go out and be crazy. But I have been drinking almost every day (even if it’s just 2 beers, or even sometimes just one), I very frequently drink alone, and I have over the years hidden much of my drinking from everybody (ie buying a bottle of wine and drinking it after everyone is asleep). When I have one drink, I so badly want more, so it’s hard for me to just stick to, for example, one glass of wine with dinner.

Even though I probably drink a lot less than some people on here, I don’t feel like I am in control of myself. I miss being able to hang out with people and not be drinking, or being able to relax by myself without drinking. and I sort of don’t feel like I can stop. And I am not sure, but I think that it is making my anxiety worse, because the day after I drink anything, I am always a lot more anxious. The last couple of years, my ambition and personal-hygiene have gone down, and my concentration and organization has deteriorated even further, when it wasn’t good to begin with. A lot of that has to do with trying to manage living on my own after college, but I have this deep-down suspicion that a lot of it might get better if I stopped drinking, too. I have gained weight, too, and feel so guilty and ashamed of myself all the time.

Please, if anyone has any advice, or if anyone can relate to my situation, I would be very grateful. I am scared that I can’t stop drinking, and this is not who I want to be. I am ashamed that I am even in this position. Also, if anyone can relate to using alcohol to calm a hyperactive, anxious mind, and knows of alternatives to calm yourself down, I would appreciate that, too (I’m not talking about other substances, btw:)- I mean, like, things that people did to cope with taking away alcohol as a coping mechanism)

Thank you,
Alexa