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- March 20, 2016 at 11:57 am#38847AnonymousInactive
I was coming up on five months. I’ve been having a rough time. I have told my sponsor and people in my support network. I’ve doubled up on meetings. I was in crisis yesterday. I told another recovering addict after a meeting, her first response (we are face to face talking at this point) is “Why didn’t you call me?”
Well, I’m thinking, I came to a meeting because sometimes calling isn’t enough, or sometimes I call people and they are not availablle and well, if person is AT a meeting on Friday night, it’s pretty clear they are not doing anything else…
so, not sure why I get chastised for NOT reachiing out when I got to a meeting and am telling other addicts face to face that I am in crisis…?
I’m still pretty new to this game, but I DID actually think I was doing the right thing.
I talked with another for a long time. Still in crisis, called my sponsor, still in crisis, told her…she told me to go to an online recovery chat, a private one she was in with another addict friend of hers. I did. I told them I was in crisis, they said this is a place of unconditional love, tell us, get it all out…so I began to and a couple minutes later my sponsor says she’s going to bed…and logs off…wow!
OK…the other person who just told me she is here no matter what, get it all out, simply ceases to respond at all.
So, I go to another recovery chat, and say “Help, I am using right now”
They tell me to stop. Which, of course is the right answer, but I am not sure how to do that. Sorry, I know my recovery is my issue. And I am not blaming any of these people, because honestly, once an addict starts using, no one can stop them.
I am providing the above scenario because I want to see my part in this. Meanwhile, throuh text and phone I am trying to get a hold of a few local people…it’s approaching midnight, and I am really scared and going down for the count, and wondering where my HP is, because I’ve been praying all week, praying then…scared, and trying to hook up with people, and not making much headway.
I know that the idea is that if I’ve called 99 people and can’t get what I need, call 100, and no, I didn’t call 100, so the ball went out of bounds on MY side. I am NOT blaming anyone but myself for not making that 100th call.
Indeed, by that time, I didn’t want to make the 100th call (metaphorically, because I didn’t call anything like 99 people either)
I don’t have a huge support network. I need to work harder on that. I admit it. And part of the problem is that some of my best supports are men, and the issue last night had to do with a man in the rooms who took he for a hell of a ride when I trusted him and it turns out my judgement was faulty.
so…I am sort of hesitant to reach out to a man when I am in a real vulnerable state, lest they smell blood and go in for the kill the way he chose to.
and having just been shot down by two women who TOLD me, come here to this chat, we want to be here for you, let it all out…and then they ditched me…I really was pretty shy to stick my neck out too many more times…but I did make a couple of calls etc.
Anyway, enough explaining my stupidity. In the end, scared out of my wits, in shocking pain, disgusted with myself and just wanting to sleep and end the hell that was yesterday…I drank and took pills.
Because I don’t know what else to do when I get in a crisis, other than go to more meetings,pray, tell people in my support network, talk, chat, let people know I am in a crisis now, let people know I am using NOW.
I don’t have enough other skills yet.
The triggers were jumping out at me all over the place yesterday. I felt like they were after me.
I don’t know what to do, except come here and tell on myself.
I know that I should have called the 100th person, but one of my problems I have not yet learned to overcome is my sense of being a burden.
I’ve heard some really crappy talk around the rooms lately about people whining, sharing too much of their problems and not enough solution. I feel like the people in my homegroup, OK, at least the trusted servants who’ve been mouthing off that way, have an agenda that OUR meeting should be positive all the time because it attracts so many newcomers due to it’s location and time. so last night when I was at a different meeting and a woman shared how safe she feels in her home group, etc…it really wrenched in my gut, because I feel so totally shut down there lately. With four months in the rooms and a crisis, I didn’t have much positive to share, and when in a group business meeting one of the chairs is mouthing off about the problem of people talking about their personal problems…yeah…not feeling like it’s a welcoming place to bring my “I’m going down for the third time” cry for help.
That is why I got myself to some other groups this week…but even then, sometimes it’s hard to get a word in edgewise…lots of people with lots of shares…
I’m babbling, I’ll shut up. I still have a real hard time knocking on as many doors as I need to. It’s not them, it’s me…I have to keep knocking until someone says “come in”, I ran out of oomphyesterday before someone said come in…and stay.
I fell down. I turned to my old ways…now, ****, I’ve disappointed all./
and I know the speil I will get when I tell people in my network today…I’ll hear “Why didn’t you call ME?” Why didn’t you call the 100th person, why didn’t I do this, why didn’t I do that?
And my answer will be because I am human and scared and hurting, and exhausted and beaten, and new at this, and my addict’s mind is trying to make sense out of the unreturned calls of earlier this week, and my sponsor saying “come here, let it out” and then “I’m going to bed”
and why my HP didn’t help me find another way…which, of course, they will also remind me is MY fault because clearly I didn’t pray enough, or pray right, or pray and meditate, or pray and not pick up…or something.
and of course they are all right…right? I mean the program works…we won’t pick up, if we don’t pick up. But I picked up…so the program can’t keep me from picking up…if I pick up…
and I broke the one rule, I picked up…which is my responsibility…to not pick up, no matter what. If every addict on the planet says “don’t have time” it’s still MY responsibility to not pick up.
but I picked up
I’m telling on myself
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